It’s been two(?!) months! Or more. I actually started this post about two weeks ago, but, of course, I didn’t find it in me to complete it until now. So if it jumps or seems like present tense should’ve been in past tense, you’ll know why. If you (the reader) haven’t learned yet, my posts are long, rambling chatter about what sort of goes on in my life and what I sometimes ponder. True to myself, this post will be no different so fair warning! It’s probably long. :)
Let’s start things up with the current feature song of this post:
I’m sure it speaks for itself as the title is listed above. It wasn’t the first song that entered my head when I first heard the news of Chester Bennington’s passing, but I find this is the one I like to think of the most when I think of it all.
It’s hard to describe this song as positive or negative. There are so many negative phrases embedded in the lyrics, and yet its slightly upbeat tones along with positive linguistic intonations seems to transform its message as “look on the bright side” or “things will get better,” sort of. To me, it probably depicts how CB felt most of his life. Constantly plagued by the darker side but always struggling to see them positively: a constant shade of grey.
As with many people I know, Linkin Park has been a part of my music life for as long as Hybrid Theory’s been out. I have raged to them, cried to them, loved them, and criticized them. They have always been swimming in the worst fears that we live in: anxiety, insecurities, anger, etc. I think Linkin Park’s statement eloquently addressed the situation:
“We’re trying to remind ourselves that the demons who took you away from us were always part of the deal. After all, it was the way you sang about those demons that made everyone fall in love with you in the first place.”
And that is exactly true. LP put into resonating songs what many of us have always felt deep inside. It’s what made us love them so very much, to feel that someone else out there knew exactly what we were feeling and experiencing as well. I am still sadden by his passing, but his life and his legacy will surpass generations. After all, we will always have inner demons.
Let’s write a little love on everyone’s arms
While I won’t linger too long on this, I do think it’s important to address for people who do not know, for people who are still trying to cope, for people who are suffering, and to those who blatantly do not “believe.” Mental illness is a real thing. You may not be able to physically see it happen, but its existence is none-the-less there. Someone I know wrote a piercing perspective that is hopefully enlightening if you are suffering, ignorant, or still trying to understand:
Depression is crippling and it takes over every part of you and changes you into a person that you don’t even recognize. Everything you once enjoyed or are told you should enjoy just seems like something you are obligated to do. For most people this is something they’ll battle their whole life whether through therapy or medicine or whatever path of care they’ve chosen to take.
Now compare something like this to a physical illness like cancer. Once you get it, you use all your strength to fight it. You find any method of care and you hope that one day you can beat it. If you don’t beat it, it wasn’t your fault but it was cancer and fuck cancer. If depression beats you, it was probably by suicide and why were you so selfish? It’s your fault for being a coward and not fighting through it. It’s of course your fault and not the fault of your illness…. right?
In both situations, the people who’ve been beaten by either cancer or suicide will leave a trail of people who loved them heartbroken and in pieces. So is it selfish for someone to have died from cancer? If not, why is it selfish to have died from depression? People have the misconception that it’s ALWAYS a choice and always another way. Maybe they could’ve gotten better and found a way to get around it, but when all you can think about is how much better the world would be without you, is there really a choice? Your brain chemistry is completely fucked when you’re depressed and your brain is the control center for your entire being. Please stop thinking depression is something you can just “get over” or that it’s just a phase or tell people to just go get some sun or hang out with friends or just be happy. It completely invalidates that person’s illness and it makes them feel as though they are alone even more than before.
It may still be hard to accept depression as a real illness; after all, we all live our lives with ups and downs. But I don’t know how many more people have to die from it for it to be accepted as a real illness. If you accept that it is one, then you have to realize that it is a battle that some may win and some may lose. That doesn’t mean we don’t try to do better or we accept it as is (after all, have we accepted cancer and no longer try to find a better way to battle/cure it?), but I do think it’s important to take away that depression is not a choice. It is a fight to survive against an illness that sometimes no one except the person themselves is aware of. And sometimes you (a friend, lover, family member, etc) do help and make it better, but sometimes it’s still not enough.
I want to leave these thoughts with just one notion: be kind. It is amazing what a kind gesture can do for a person, even when they don’t seem like they’re suffering. Likewise, you never know what a singular, negative moment in life could do to a person either. Sometimes that’s all the trigger a person needs to be pushed beyond recovery. So be kind to everyone and never assume. (Also thanks to Megan C. who said those previous words.)
Life as I know it
Well, here’s the segment about the life I live. I think the last time I posted was sometime after Portland, so since then not as much excitement has happened, or has it? XD Here’s what I can say: I haven’t gone on any new trips, but I have done a couple of concerts, gone climbing, and been consistently exercising.
True to myself, instead of going to the Austin Illenium concert the day after, I drove up to attend the Dallas one at Lizard Lounge a couple of weeks. It was amazing, not quite as amazing as his Middleland’s show, but still just as fun. I danced my heart away in the form of sweat and got to see a few faces I hadn’t seen in awhile. I also spent the hours leading up to the concert playing Mario party, which hasn’t happened in over a year or two either. Fun times with fun friends, to sum it up neatly. The day after was, surprisingly, just as hard if not harder. Day drinking that lead to euphoric listening session of the Tomorrowland. For one, I was incredibly happy to finally have a successful pool day, as all of my last attempts this summer have somehow failed by weather or cancellations. Anyways, back on Tomorrowland, Tiesto is still a legendary DJ that I would have loved to see live in Dallas when he came. Too bad it was too expensive and sold out so quickly. On the flip side, Tomorrowland is also a life goal I’d love to experience once. Maybe when I graduate, if I’m not feeling too old by then. (Wait, I already feel old sometimes…)
I was also able to attend the Audien concert in Dallas (of course) at the end of June. Originally, I hadn’t planned to go, but a friend decided to make it part of his birthday party (which was also one of the kind of failed pool parties I tried to do). Again, I saw faces I hadn’t seen in quite some time, and met new people and people I knew but never actually met in person before (ha ha). It ended up being just as blast worthy and my GA became a free VIP since I bought a VIP for someone but they never went (but still paid me for it). Lots of sweaty times down in GA lead me to stay mostly in VIP, which was well worth it.
I could expand on both concerts more, but they’re like most: dancing, drinking/etc, friends, music, lights, and fun. I hadn’t planned to go to any other ones until LAN, but it seems I’ve found myself going to Zedd later this year. It’s amazing how easy you agree to things when you’re not totally sober…
Other news in life? Well, I submitted my resignation for my job, again. And, again, they asked me to stay longer. Only by a week though, and to be fair I originally offered one week more if necessary. I didn’t think they would seriously take me up on it though, but once again when I decided to leave, two others (or basically three) also wound up deciding to leave too. I wish I could’ve helped more! But alas, I need to get stuff done in Dallas before school starts on the 21st.
And here we are, back in Dallas. I’ve officially moved in as of last weekend. My roommates came in a whirlwind kind of way. I had reached out to one girl who listed with UTD as wanting a roommate, and she contacted me much later regarding an opening for a 3 bedroom place (because their 3rd roommate had backed out) but I only had about 1-2 days to decide since their move in date was to be a week from then and the lease needed to be signed and everything by then. So I kind of just took the chance and viola, I have two roommates and their sweetheart dogs and a place to stay for the coming school year. I ended up taking the master bedroom, which is a wondrous size, and have been thoroughly enjoying decorating and placing everything. I am fully realizing how some stuff has randomly been misplaced in my parents house and did not make its way to my new place, so I guess a scavenger hunt in the Lin house needs to ensue soon.
On other news, as previously mentioned I began to climb more frequently. It’s been pretty fun to go every other week or so and feel myself get stronger and better. In addition to climbing, I started a new workout routine at the gym and have been running every week. My goal is to ultimately be able to run a half marathon by the end of the year. No set time goal, just being able to do it seems good enough (for now, but then again my original goal was a 10K and then I realized I was able to do that within a few weeks… so yeah). As of now, I’ve managed 7.5 miles in one go but this past week only did 6. I need to find a new trail to run. While I live near White Rock Lake, I can’t decide if I’d like to take the sketchy walk to the trail and run there. Especially since I prefer night time running. Morning runs are just more difficult to complete… It gets hotter as you keep running and time restraints seem troubling. But walking to the trail in the evening or night (since I have to walk parallel to the highway without a sidewalk for a bit) just doesn’t seem totally safe. I guess we’ll see if I decide to keep running there or have to just drive somewhere to run. Or else indoor it, but I really would prefer not to unless it’s a lap track. As for climbing, I’ll probably have to slow down (due to time and finances) but! I did learn that Summit Dallas is super close to where I live. Getting a monthly membership suddenly doesn’t seem completely improbable… But then again, I also want to start cycling again. Run, cycle, and if I add swim, I’ll be training for some triathlons soon enough. (Nahhh not a current goal.)
School starts in just a week! I’m excited and nervous all at the same time. My practicum assignment has been given to me and I’ll be working with adults twice a week in the mornings. It’s crazy how fast it all happens sometimes. Even just this year is already more than half way through. Amazing. Now if only financial aid would tell me my work study placement and schedule, I can finally begin to figure out if working a side job can happen or not. Or how much time I can truly work out, or learn swing dance, or climb, cycle, or run. Too bad running takes forever of your time…
I feel like this update was a little incomplete, but honestly I don’t know what else I want to add. At this current moment, nothing. There’s plenty to still be said, but rather than wait to hopefully update again, I think just posting what I have now is better. Otherwise who knows when I’ll update again.
Music post to eventually come again! I won’t put a time on it because I know how likely it is for me to not follow through with that, but if you’re craving some new tunes I hope I can deliver! :)
‘Til then, guys!