Category Archives: Mundane Life

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I had originally chosen the Seven Lions Middlelands set as my current jam, but sadly YouTube had to take it down due to copyright infringements… So! Here’s the set I loved the most next from Middlelands (which I’ve already listened to again twice since then).

Currently jammin’ to: Illenium at Middlelands 2017 set

Illenium is an amazing artist whom I highly recommend anyone to check out. :)

Life as Karen knows

I had a different post in the makes, but I scrapped it for this one because I wanted to change the focus. It’s been awhile since I last updated about my life (almost two months), aside from my last post focused solely on the death of my friend, so I figure its best to mention how life’s been treating me before rambling on about other things. More than likely this will be a really long post considering I have two months of stuff to write about.

Originally, I planned to head back to Arlington/Dallas mid-May and be at home for a couple months before I found a place in Dallas to live closer to school. I had already informed my work place of my last day, but due to multiple other coworkers also leaving, I was asked if I would be willing to stay longer. As I didn’t have exact reasons to be in Dallas (aside from some weekend events and trips that I had planned) and I was going to try to get a job over the summer anyways, it seemed easier to just keep the job I already had so long as enough hours were provided to make it worthwhile (and that my friend, whom I am staying with, is okay with me staying around longer). In the end, that’s exactly what they provided to me (the hours) and thus my stay in Austin (slash my friend’s place) has now extended to the end of July.

While it hasn’t been too difficult, and I greatly enjoy the extra time spent in Austin, it definitely did mess with some of the plans I initially planned to be at. Now I’m back in this every other weekend in Dallas schedule again. Some of it was just for traveling from Dallas (DFW airport) rather than actually doing things there, but some was also being in Dallas.

I’ll probably miss some things in recent events that have been happening, but I’ll try my best to be true to my blog idea aka personal tracking of my life events (for everyone else to see as well). Last time, these were the things I said I was looking forward to: Middlelands, Atlanta visit, climbing more, volleyball, trying Franklins BBQ, visiting Hamilton Pool, and seeing lots of friends. I haven’t actually been able to climb more yet (did buy shoes though), or play volleyball much, or visit Hamilton Pool, but I have seen friends, gone to Atlanta, attended Middlelands, and tried Franklins BBQ finally. I also went to Portland, checked out a remote part of Greenbelt, night time kayaked to live latino music, and had a scattering of birthday parties, small concerts, and events (like Mother’s day). So again, warning that this post will probably be pretty long, but cool if you’re bored and wanna read all about my life. Or just scroll for pictures. :)

Fun with friends in Austin

A big surprise came in the form of meeting up with an old friend from Emory that I hadn’t seen (or even talked to) in five or six years who was down in Austin for a wedding. Consequently, I got to try out some places I’d never been in Austin, like Veracruz tacos, Radio coffee and bar, JuiceLand,  swimming in Greenbelt off some random path, and the Botanical Gardens. Who knew I’d see more of Austin from someone coming to visit from Austin?

Swimming in Greenbelt was definitely the highlight. A short hike entering from some random neighborhood and we found ourselves at a lovely pool of water/stream. Wejumped off the cliff into the cool water which wasn’t too cold despite this still being late April (and the weather was maybe high 70s?). We had brought some Veracruz tacos with us to eat there and had Radio coffee while waiting for the food beforehand.

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the crew going swimming to Greenbelt!

Afterwards we ate at Tan My which had pretty good bun bo hue (well, I just tried some didn’t actually order anything), and I consequently found out one of the newfound friends was dating my current roommate’s old co-worker (that I had met before long ago). Once again somewhat proving how small the world sometimes feels.

We went to Graffiti Castle (or the Hope Outdoor Gallery as it is officially called now) as well as the Botanical Gardens afterwards. I’d always wanted to go to the Botanical Gardens (mostly to Pokemon hunt XD) but it was still… an experience I guess. Whenever i think of botanical gardens, I think flowers. I’m not sure if maybe it was still too early or what, but I feel like I had to try really hard to find some flowers (literal flowers ;)). In the end, at least I can say that I’ve gone. We did some hiking to the 360 bridge as well, but only to the overlook.

It was a fun time, filled with outdoor activities and food, which is exactly what I like. Plus I got to catch up with an old friend and meet new ones.

Lots of birthdays, some going away parties, one Mother’s Day, and many other scattering of events (Corona Electric beach party, ARMNHRM at Kingdom, etc) occurred in various fashion. I’d go into all of them more but I’m not trying to dictate my whole entire life up here (well, I kind of am, but not to that extreme).

One other Austin highlight recently was that I finally got to kayak! It was actually an evening/night time kayak event with live Latino music serenading us as well. The weather couldn’t have been any nicer, honestly. I had an amazing time on Lady Bird Lake and enjoyed some wine, beer, and finger foods (grapes & mangoes). There were also some people who got onto the band’s platform and salsa danced. It really made me want to get better at salsa dancing. Maybe someday I’ll find a partner to do that more with ;) maybe.

The Road to Middlelands

Let me start by saying these events aren’t exactly in chronological order, so while the swimming in Greenbelt happened in late April, the kayaking happened this past Friday night, and Middlelands occurred in eary May, to give you an idea. So apologies ahead of time if this somehow gets confusing in terms of timelines. Anyways.

I know it’s kind of bad to do, but I totally have no problem with talking about how amazing Middlelands was to people who didn’t go. It’s been probably the best music festivals I’ve ever attended. The music, the people, everything was near perfect and most times better than I expected. My one regret was getting drunk enough to forget to go to Big Gigantic on the first night. Who knew taking big gulps of vodka early on would keep me drunk the whole night? In the end, I missed one of the more unique artists that I really wanted to see, but regardless of missing Big Gigantic, all the shows I did catch easily make Middlelands one of the best festivals ever attended. This is not just an opinion I hold, but honestly many attendees felt this way as apparent through many blogs, posts, groups, people, etc that I’ve read and talked to after the festival. Some felt that way having gone to many festivals in the past, and some felt that way from it being their first festival. Honestly, if you didn’t know what PLUR really was before, you could’ve definitely learned about it at Middlelands. It was really that kind of feel.

Middlelands 2017 music festival

some of the Middlelands peeps I was hangin’ with that weekend :)

And the music, I could relive that whole weekend again with just that music. So many amazing artists, and some that surprised me in expectations. My favorite set, as I said earlier in this post, was Seven Lions with Illenium coming in close second. But other sets, like Bassnectar, Alice in Wonderland, and Louis the Child were also incredible. I also learned about a few new (to me) artists like Quix and Ephwurd, both of whom were amazing live as well.

middlelands stage music festival 2017

my favorite stage at Middlelands! where Illenium and Seven Lions killed it

I honestly probably could have made a whole post about Middlelands alone, but I’ll refrain. I’ll just post pictures and relive in them and the uploaded sets from then. I will say that I’m really sad it won’t be at the Texas Renaissance Festival anymore due to some locals complaining about the noise. I very much hope it will stay in Texas, but I know where ever it ends up being held, it will still be amazing. This year’s is basically legendary (in my book), and if it stays in Texas I’ll probably be back again. Sherwood, I’m looking at you!

Atlanta, aka Dallas and Houston mixed together

Back in undergrad, I made some life long friends during my time in Resident Life as an RA. We decided that five years after we graduated, we would all meet up for a reunion in a city we’d never been to (at the time, it was decidedly Seattle), and each of us would bring X, Y, and Z. I think mine was bringing a husband or something, and my other friend was like a pet bird, and another was a foreign wife, or something weird and crazy. In the end, we didn’t go to a new city but back to Atlanta (though I, as previously mentioned, have now been to Seattle anyways), our old stomping grounds, and none of us brought any of the decided things (which we all forgot anyways), but we did have our reunion. Additionally, it was one of my friend’s birthdays that weekend, so we reminisced, did an escape room, watched some stand-up comedy, and checked out old and new Atlanta places.

escape room atlanta

we almost finished. Last puzzle :(

I’m so grateful for my friends, both the ones I gained at Emory and the ones before and after. It’s always tough to stay in touch when everyone lives everywhere else (Atlanta, Chicago, Japan/Boulder, etc), but I’m glad that we’ve still made attempts to stay in contact and connected to each other. I’ll be seeing them again later this year for the first one of us to get married, but we planned to once again meet in 5 years at the latest. I hope we’re able to keep our promise again. :)

The hike to Portland (or really, in)

Another city I’d never been to and another activity I’d never really done has once again been accomplished: I took a 13+ mile hike in Portland, Oregon last weekend. I was actually somewhat worried about my physical capabilities for the hike, but surprisingly handled it well. I guess I’m in better shape that I think? Or more like I can stay active for a lot longer than I give myself credit for. Either way, it was a wonderful experience. Portland is very lush and beautiful. Such amazing views and nature feels. Naturally, we also toured around some food places and caught really by chance events, like their Starlight Parade and a random Trump/”freedom of speech” white supremacy rally and consequent anti-rally/protest. It was one of the most spontaneous (aka a nice way to say unplanned, but not necessarily unpleasant) trips I’ve recently taken, but still had some great times.

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the lovely Portland hiking group being fancy :)

I’ve never been a part of a rally or a protest (at least not physically), so it was pretty interesting to see. There was an enormous crowd for the protest while the rally itself seemed much smaller. I think that’s actually pretty reflective of America as a whole, but that’s another can to be opened a different time.

portland rally protest trump white supremacy neo-nazi

some signs at the rally (but from the protesters)

The Starlight parade (which is part of their International Rose Festival, but has nothing to really do with roses?) was pretty cool too. We only caught parts of it because we had reservations at this whiskey library bar, but we did see a slew of DeLoreans parade through decked out with lights. As you can imagine, the parade is held at night time and features lots of floats with pretty lights. There was also quite a few high school marching bands, to my surprise.

delorean starlight parade portland rose

there was a bit in the parade that was just DeLoreans :)

To sum up what we did in Portland, we hiked, ate lots of food (mostly decent but to be completely honest Seattle was better, sorry), drank a variety of alcohol (we went to a bar which provided tasting shots 4 for $5, one of which you could choose a wasabi vodka), and part took in some local recreational fun. We actually ended up checking out their Japanese garden and Rose garden, both of which were cool. Seeing all those beautiful roses was actually pretty cool. If I were to go back to Portland, I’d definitely want to just go for hiking and camping. There are so many trails you can go on and so many beautiful views to be seen. Plus, the weather was really nice (when we were there).

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a Great Pyrenees meet up at the market!

Check out the actual hike pictures here. For some reason, WordPress won’t properly show the pictures from Instagram on my post. And I’m too lazy to figure it out.

If you didn’t already know, Portland is for some reason famous for its strip clubs. We didn’t go to any, but had a very interesting lyft driver who kept talking about the perverse side of Portland and its strip clubs, particularly one that was vegan. So I guess Portland is lots of hiking and strip clubs. I think I’ll just stick to the hiking parts though.

Another interesting part (coming from Texas) of Portland is the people. We went to a Thai restaurant, and all the workers (cooks, dishwashers, etc) were white while the owner/some servers were Asian. It was weird and that’s how it was everywhere. It came to us not exactly as a surprise, but just so different from where we come from. It was also weird how extreme the sides of Portland people are. There are some really nice, open-minded people there, and then there are some really white supremacy extremists too. Definitely unexpected. Anyways.

Given how much I had to go through, I tried to condense and not ramble too much about everything. Usually I like to post personal thoughts and what not, but the length of this post is already pretty high up there so I’ll refrain this time. Maybe I’ll make a post later for just thoughts. Maybe. I’m surprised I didn’t talk much about the recent amazing food I’ve been having (which definitely still happened in Portland and elsewhere, just didn’t write about it.) Well, maybe I’ll just post on IG or something. ‘Til another time! :)

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When the fun crashes together

Currently jammin’ to: Want You More by Draper

I actually got introduced to Draper at SXSW. It’s surprising that he isn’t more well known, but he was definitely one of the best introductions that I got from SXSW this year. I’m excited to keep hearing great music from him. Half the time I wrote this post I was listening to his music.

I’ve had a thought to update this multiple times before now, and yet I kept telling myself “give yourself some time to think and then talk about it here.” But that time to think never really came, and thus a post wasn’t written either until now, a month plus later (and then some, because I totally started this post almost two weeks ago). It’s funny what you decide to make time for sometimes. I didn’t make enough time for me to even think through recent things occurring in my life, but I had time to catch up on all the Supernatural episodes out there (I watched a couple of seasons) and start White Collar again. Priorities? Or procrastination? Or maybe just avoiding the serious stuff because it’s “less fun” perhaps. That seems somewhat of a likely reason.

In the end, you still gotta face what you may or may not have wanted to face though. I’m sure I’m still holding off on thinking of some things even still, and for now I’m okay with that. But I also may want to wake up just a little bit more to what’s been going on in my life too. Maybe.

FYI, like previously mentioned, I started this post then held off finishing it for almost two weeks, so there’s some disorganization because I didn’t completely scrap what I had previously written, but just decided to add in (like an addendum) the most recent things.

the new things in life, surprise surprise

Since my last post, many things have surprisingly actually happened. The best moment so far? Getting accepted into the University of Dallas’s Masters of Science Communication Disorders program! The worst moment so far? Wrecking my car. And then there’s everything in between and after. It’s been fun, y’all.

Let’s start with getting accepted, because that actually occurred the earliest of recent events since my last post, I think. For the past two years, I’ve been trying to get into a master’s program to become a Speech Language Pathologist (SLP). This is something I was introduced to at the very end of my undergraduate days and it stuck with me ’til even now. I can really only provide a cheesy cliche type of reasoning as to why I want to become one, but in the end it’s the truest of statements. I’ve always enjoyed helping people when I can and listening to their problems to troubleshoot. It’s why I originally went down the psychology path (minus the fact that business just seemed so meh and I didn’t get into Goizuetta anyhow), to eventually become a therapist. Along the way, I discovered the field of linguistics and fell in love with that. My head is always thinking, and I’ve always desired to understand others better, even if unsuccessfully. And language, beautiful language, is argued as the main difference between us humans and other animals. Either way, communication is key to understanding another person, thus knowing how to communicate is incredibly important. With the desire to help others and the passion for language combined, becoming an SLP just seemed like the most ideal job. It didn’t hurt that typical starting base salary was decent and that the job market for it was still growing and in demand. And though I didn’t try to run down that path right away, eventually (aka two years ago) I did decide it was time to truly pursue it. And so I did. And there were failures, like getting rejected from UTD twice, and there were successes, like basically making a 4.0 at UT for my prerequisites and finally being accepted by 3 out of 4 of the masters programs. It took time and dedication, but it finally happened. So starting next Fall, I will be back in Dallas and moving forward in the career I’ve hoped to have.

In addition to my acceptance, other events have transpired within my life that are very much positive. I randomly attended the end of SXSW this year and got some free swag, free food/drinks, and free shows. I met up old friends (S. Chen & Y. Yip) and gained new ones, and also finally went climbing at Austin Bouldering Project. It’s been a place I’ve been “attempting” to go to for a couple of years now, so finally experiencing it (for free) is definitely a highlight. I hope to continue climbing, maybe go some more while I’m in Austin, and even when returning back to Dallas keep up with it. Now that I’ve bought shoes for it, I’m bound to go a few more times. It’d be fun to keep doing, despite the callouses it’s bound to give me.

For a couple weeks in March to April, I was house and dog sitting for a friend who was traveling. These cute little pups were my companions and kept me on a somewhat regular schedule, surprise surprise.

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Additionally, my sister (plus one) finally came to visit me in Austin! It was her first time back in Austin in over a few years, if I recall correctly. All we did was eat and pokemon hunt, but it was a great weekend. I got to try Sway out, a Thai restaurant that was highly recommended to me, along with getting $1 oysters and some Gourdoughs. Good food and pokemon hunting is always welcomed, and often a typical sight when I’m hanging with my sister as of now.

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Additionally, I finally went on somewhat of a hike in Austin! I’ve been wanting to hike more, especially since Austin has so many available trails and places to go nearby, but I just haven’t found the people to go with. While I could hike by myself, I always considered it a potential safety issue. Plus it’s just not as fun when you’re alone.

360 bridge, hiking, bridge, austin

view of 360 bridge from our hike

And somehow, I’ve found myself living it up much more frequently than I ever would have thought. Each weekend brings a different adventure, whether it’s girls night, a music concert (Bassjackers – also a new intro for me), SXSW, St. Patty’s Day Parade, or just fun times with friends, it’s been a ride. And on this ride, sadly, came a crash.

I’ve been in accidents before, of my own cause and due to others, and I will admit that I am more prone to speeding than going below or at limit when driving, but this has been the worst by far. And still, I am incredibly thankful for 1. not being hurt minus some bruises from the air bags, and 2. not hurting anyone else. Ultimately, combine a winding/curving downhill road, wet pavement/road, close to balding tires, less than 100% mental awareness, possibly a little too much speed and a car with not the best of breaks, and you get hydroplaning into multiple spin outs and curb/trees hits. The result is a ruined back bumper, the right mirror and rear light missing, some auto body damage, deployed side airbags on both sides, and a broken left rear spring/axle of a car. The good part, besides no one getting hurt, was that I had already exited for my apartment and was somehow able to drive my car to my apartment which was about a mile away. In some incredible feat, given the state of my car (can we go back to the fact that my car’s left rear was literally sitting on my tire due to the axle being broken?) and my mental mind, I managed to reverse park my car at my apartment complex. The car itself, minus the body damage, actually runs fine since the front wasn’t damaged (aside from the right mirror). Considering how much it would cost to repair an axle/spring, replace the airbags, get a new bumper/mirror/light, and everything else though, ultimately what was likely to happen is that we sell the car for someone to scrap for parts or fix up themselves. Fortunately, my cousin has lots of car connections and a friend of his bought the car as is and towed it away to be fixed up with his own car repair connections. Of course, I still needed a car to get to work, especially given how I was commuting from my friend’s house while I still dog sit, so my dad graciously drove the car my sister’s been using (which is my brother’s old car) down to me. And now, I’m back in the white Toyota car family again.

car crash, altima coupe, crash, towing, towed

my car being towed away to be forever gone but fixed for another

Lessons learned, but really

I’m not gonna lie, I somehow handled the whole crashing my car and airbags deploying a lot better than I thought I would. I don’t know the exact reasons as to why it didn’t shake me as much as it should’ve. Maybe I’ve somehow rationalized to myself that more of the situation was out of my hands to create the perfect storm than I care to claim responsibility for. Either way, the thing I ultimately felt most upset about was the financial burden it has created upon myself and my parents. As someone who has been in school and working part-time (heavy inflection on the part) for the past year, I’ve relied heavily upon my parents for financial assistance. Now that I’m continuing to a Master’s, my financial capabilities for the next two years are going to stay pretty limited still. I am well aware of many of the financial burdens my parents currently face, both from me and due to other situations in their lives, and to know I have contributed to it in this way really riddles me with guilt and shame. Does this mean I won’t ever speed again? Sadly, probably not. I know myself well enough to not be able to make that promise. Will I be more careful about my driving? I would hope so, and I think I am already being a bit more careful. One thing that definitely was reinforced was my preference to not drive. While I am never one to shy away from meeting with friends despite a far distance (hello living in Arlington and having friends in Plano), I still prefer to catch a ride.

There is, of course, some considerations for re-evaluating my life choices right now. Recently, as previously stated, I’ve been fairly active and frequently in some sort of compromised state of mind, albeit usually nothing too crazy. Mental capacities aside, the expenditures I’ve continued to collect definitely continue to burn a hole in pants that seem close to combustion. To be fair, they could (and probably should) be a lot worse given how active I’ve been, but in the end that slow fire is becoming a blaze. It might be time to be more of a homebody. I can’t say this will definitely happen, as I already considered making plans to attend Euphoria this weekend (which I did, more on that later) even though two weeks ago I had no intentions of it. I still plan to be adventurous and experience new things that inherently are risky, because I still believe in living my life to the fullest and cause I like to try new things, but maybe I’ll take it a bit slower. Maybe I’ll forsake some plans with friends so that I’m more responsible to myself and to my parents. Maybe I’ll take on another job or get a new one over the summer.

Or maybe not. I really don’t know. I want to be a better person, I want to make the right choices, but I also want to enjoy my life. I don’t want to keep feeling like a black hole of burden to my parents, who have always provided me more than I can ever hope for and now seem so much older in a scary way. I want to be able to provide them with the luxury of life’s greatest comforts and sights. I want to be able to proudly know I am independently supporting myself while servicing others who are in need. I want to make my own ice cream and eat it too (because I don’t really like cake, and it’s more fun when you do it yourself than buy it from someone else). And so the selfish side battles the responsible side, both of which win different battles and create who I am. Is it your actions that are important or your intentions? I think both: intentions only go so far, but actions made of the wrong intentions can still be just as harmful.

These thoughts these days

To no surprise, I’ve been thinking a lot like always. Or really, I should say I have had a lot of various thoughts come to mind. But actual thinking time has been a bit more minimal than it probably should. I actually wrote a couple of paragraphs on one of these thoughts already but decided to delete them and not bring them back up. It’s a debate I don’t really have interest in speculating  more about, so to bring it up in my post seems irrelevant.

I’ve recently found myself engaging in things I had previously stated were unlikely or even outright refusing to do. And yet there I was, doing what I said I wouldn’t do, and being okay with it. I don’t want to call myself a hypocrite, but ultimately it does seem quite like that in some of the situations. Granted, I’m not one to truly say never to things, but the fact that I feel like I keep eating my own words is definitely making me consider why my acceptance values or actions have changed.

Recently, I’ve found myself engaging in more casual relationships. I’ve never been against them, to be fair, but I did speculate with a friend on it not too long ago about why I’ve never had one before. The words I said then are still true, and yet still I engaged in what I said was unlikely to happen. If I were to put it in a positive light, I could say I just hadn’t found the right scenario to allow these things to occur until now.

In a separate situation, I found myself offered certain recreational drugs that I had told myself I would never try, but then found myself contemplating to try. I actually didn’t part take in said drugs, but the fact that I definitely considered it kind of shocked me. Here I was, stating with a clear mind my strong refusal to ever trying them, and then there I was, under the influence, truly considering trying them out. Again, I do know that I’ve always been open to trying things, and I was also already mentally compromised in some way, but still. It just makes me wonder how easily I might give up some of my values and choose to do the exact opposite if the right conditions are set. Scary.

I meant to talk more in-depth on my thoughts, but it seems today is not much of a contemplation sort of day for me. Instead, I’ll continue with the even more recent updates since when I first began this post. I may add in some thoughts below though.

Fun, friends, and family

As previously mentioned, I ended up going to Euphoria (first time!) a couple weekends ago. It was an absolute blast with incredibly chill vibes and amazing people and music. I wouldn’t have considered it were it not for the fact that my friend had incredibly discounted VIP 3 day camping passes due to investing in the event. Additionally, they really set it up for success. Euphoria offered free shuttle rides from UT and downtown Austin to and from the grounds with Bus to Show (BTS) which, despite mass pandemonium to get home Saturday night, is an awesome and brilliant inclusion. To me, it shows they care about our safety more than they care about their pockets or judgement. If we truly cared about saving lives, we should offer safe alternatives rather than just outright rejection or punishment. Words true to things beyond just free rides, such as to abortions, but that’s a bit too serious for this right now.

Wiz Khalifa, Wiz, Euphoria, Euphoria 2017, music festival

Wiz was at Euphoria. if I didn’t seen him at Emory years back, I saw him now :)

In any case, I never did end up camping there simply because I was still dog sitting at the time, so I couldn’t, but it was definitely a great experience. One that I hope to be able to attend again. During my time there, I met new friends and even met with someone I hadn’t seen in almost a decade, I went back stage, found some new artists with great music, indulged too much in some overpriced but delicious food, and floated away in the clouds whilst dancing. It was definitely a great time without doing too much either, and I am incredibly grateful in having been able to part take in it.

This past weekend, I had a much calmer weekend compared to others. I finally went home for the first time in a month. Considering that I usually go back every other weekend, it was amazing I went 4 weekends in a row without going back. That was mostly due to the dog sitting though, but still. For this weekend, it was mostly about family. I spent some time with my sister Pokemon hunting and taking advantage of the Easter specials they were having. I played therapist to some issues at home. I unintentionally came back for my nephew’s birthday and sort of celebrated with him. I played some volleyball with friends, at one point sober and at another not so much. And I watched a bit of Netflix. I’ve learned I’m really bad at starting new things (shows, etc) frequently. I just go to what I already know I like even if I’ve already seen it a few times, despite a growing list of things I do want to watch or recommended stuff. It’s the same with manga and sometimes books. It’s not to say I won’t ever try them out, but it’s as if I have to be in the right kind of mood or situation to finally give it a shot. And it seems somewhat random when it does happen. Anyways.

birthdays, nephew, six years old, celebrations, cake

my youngest nephew turned six!

It was a nice weekend. Some packing was done as my moving date and such has been finalized. I have one or two weekends left living in Austin, this weekend being one of them. My only other one is actually Mother’s day weekend, which I didn’t realize, so this weekend may actually end up being my last weekend being in Austin. I had hoped to go to Hamilton Pool that weekend, but that may have to be done another time.

I forget to mention, but I am actually taking an online Biology course that has been going relatively well. I definitely don’t have to try too hard for it, which is a wonderful plus for me. Even though I’m not working (at my job) as much as I’d like to and technically shouldn’t have all that much to deal with, I’m still glad I don’t have to devote too much time and energy to this class to get a decent grade. Hopefully that continues for the next few weeks. It definitely is kind of annoying that the tests are always on weekends, but at least I can usually take them quickly.

Oh, and another thing that happened was me cutting my hair. I decided to cut off 19+ inches of hair. Well actually, I decided on 19 inches to sell/donate, and then my sister consequently cut off a lot more later for styling (which ended up being finished by her teacher). Long story short, I now have an asymmetrical bob of a haircut. Haven’t had this short of hair since undergrad… and changing from hair down past my waist to barely touching my shoulders is a definite difference. But I’m totally enjoying it. Anyways!

snapchat, haircut, asymmetrical haircut, filtered photos

apparently I haven’t saved many pics of myself with my haircut, so this snap will have to do

Things to look forward to besides getting a lot of new music:

-Middlelands! It’s happening pretty quickly. I’m super excited.
-visiting Hamilton Pool
-seeing old undergraduate friends (both in Atlanta and those who come to Texas)
-finally trying Franklins BBQ for the first time (already pre-ordered :D)
-seeing lots of friends
-playing volleyball more
-climbing more

How much of this will actually happen? Who knows. Right now it looks like all of it should happen, but you never know what will really happen until it does. I’ll try to give a music update at some point, but I may wait until after Middlelands, or do one for Euphoria/SXSW/etc first. In any case, this post has gone on long enough and probably has become even more disorganized. For those of y’all who stuck around to actually read all of this, I hope you found it somewhat entertaining or enlightening.

Have a great day!

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a really impressive title goes here

I wanted to write another blog post to update like I said I would, but I found that I wasn’t sure what to write about at this current time. So please bear with me as I try to come up with something witty, or whatever. =)

Normally I add in a currently jammin’ to song from Soundcloud, but as Soundcloud has started to try to increase profit margin rather than stick true to their original ideology, it’s become more difficult sometimes to get the song I want on there. I still chose one this time, but it may be time to change to another site to stream music on here… Sigh.

Currently jammin’ to:

This jam is a bit long since it’s a long mix rather than an individual song, but definitely worth it. Additionally, I recently saw Ekali live at The Kingdom in Austin a couple weekends ago. The openers were so-so, but when Ekali took the stage it definitely was pretty awesome. I will say that the lights were a bit blinding for such a small space. I literally felt blind at times and had to step back further from the stage at times in order to reorient myself because of how blinding the laser lights were at times. I think some of it was due to the size of the room though, being so small allowed for so much reflection. At least it wasn’t stuffy and hot. So glad I got to check out Ekali.

Summer finale

Summer is coming to a close, surprisingly fast. I can’t believe it’s already August. I have so much I need to get together, start to do. I feel like I’m so behind. And yet there’s so much that I’ve also already done. It’s crazy. It’s also amazing to realize that I only have one more semester left of my current classes before I enter (hopefully) into my Master’s program. As I write this, I think “shouldn’t I be working on my statement instead?” considering that I have to have one by September 15th for UT Dallas… umm, yeah whoops.

And what a summer it has been. Lots of ups, lots of downs. Not quite what I imagined it would be, and still not where I want it to be, but hopefully with some luck, some talks, and some work it will get to where I want it. I will say this much, I have learned and experienced a lot this summer. This year overall, really. I am looking forward to continuing to learn more and experience many wonderful things. It feels fitting to reflect on some of the new things I’ve gotten to experience, but I think I’d rather just focus on the recent things that have occurred since I last posted.

My final summer class is winding down, ending next week! Eek, that is incredibly soon. I have no idea where the time went in this class. Least to say I did not enjoy it as much as my previous class, but I am glad for the grades I’ve been getting (somehow keeping my 4.0 GPA) and I greatly appreciate having taken this class with a friend. It definitely made the whole experience more bearable and easier.

Recently, I returned back from attending a wedding in California for my boyfriend’s cousin. It involved my boyfriend’s whole immediate family, so needless to say it was not like our Mexico trip together, but we still had fun and he finally got to visit Disneyland for the first time, something his father promised him a long time ago when he was still young. The wedding itself was also something wonderful as well. Even though I hardly knew the couple and was only there politely as one of the distant cousin’s girlfriend, I still really took the experience to heart. I think I was just feeling quite emotional that day, but I had lots of feelings listening to the ceremony/speeches and watching the whole thing. I think love is a wonderful thing. Something to cherish greatly, and something to hold onto as best as possible when you can. I know it’s also hard work, to create happiness all the time and always feel grateful for everything you have. We take for granted so much all the time, I feel. And just the same, love is easily taken for granted. Whether it comes from our parents, from our friends, or our significant other, it’s easy to lose sight of how significant it is to have someone love you. Watching the wedding, it really made me consider my own personal values and personal goals for the future. I am definitely not ready to be married, but perhaps because of age or whatever it is, I know I’m looking forward to settling. Kids, however, that’s a completely different situation, one I am absolutely not ready to even consider. ANYWAYS!

Normally I would write a whole bunch more, but honestly I am realizing how much work I have to get done and I also lack much to say right now. So with that in mind, I end this very short post and update. I’ll try to give this more thought later. :D

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the internet and advice

Currently jammin’ to:

In some ways, I’m not quite sure what I want to say in this blog post, however I feel that I should still write something as I attempt to somewhat consistently write again in here. Quick apologies if this is lots of stream of consciousness and ramblings. My thoughts are not currently as focused or well-formed as I would hope them to be, but I will try on anyways!

Life snapchats

To highlight some new developments in life, I recently began working with autistic children again at a therapy place in Austin. The style is slightly different, with a more natural-play strategy to ABA as opposed to the DTT ABA style that I was used to at my previous ABA therapy office in Irving. Still, the rewards and changes are visible and the difficulty is still sometimes there. Additionally, this office requires its workers to be RBT (registered behavior technician) certified (a $600 test) and pays for you to complete it. So in addition to my work, my summer school, and my two labs, I am also working to become RBT certified at my own free time (but still slightly scheduled). Hooray for keeping busy! Let’s just hope I don’t overwork myself.

My 4th of July plans went a bit awry due to some unfortunate circumstances, so I ended up back in Dallas doing bits and sorts with various people as opposed to my highly nature-based plans that I originally had. Still, I got to see some old friends and hang out with some new ones, play a little volleyball, sing a little karaoke, and spend a bit of time with some family. All in all, a fun time.

Previous to the 4th of July weekend, I took a trip to Waco with some friends to the BSR Cable Water Park to go down a huge slide. Ultimately, we ended up looping the lazy river three times with most of our party getting trashed and only went down the slide (for me) once and not even The Royal Flush (or the bigger one) which is the “famous” one. I was fine with it considering how painful it was hitting the water after the slide and how long you had to wait for the steepest slide, but all-in-all a great trip with friends. After some food, we also got a tour of a cabbage factory/farm that a friend was growing. Despite the fact that it seems strange we were touring a cabbage farm/factory, it was, in fact, pretty interesting to learn about the cultivation that goes into it and its potential economical abilities. After some chilling, a long drive with a mini sleep break occurred + some Carl’s Junior. I can definitely say that I did not expect such a long day at Waco, but I definitely had a grand time.

Here’s a video of some of footage we got:

Outside of these events, life just happened. Some ups, some downs, some unexpected and some expected.

So punny

snapchat toast filter

snapchat toast filter :)

In lieu of my last headline, I made my featured picture one of my snapchat filter pictures. Apparently, this filter may be based off some video of cats having bread face pictures? I was only informed of this after I sent off my picture, but either way I find it hilarious. Within the last year, I’ve really enjoyed using the snapchat filters for its silly and randomness. It’s a little vain in some ways being so self-centered with multiple selfies, but mostly I just find it fun. A silly way of posing and sending off to friends/family. Maybe it’s my natural silly nature taking over, but I have quite enjoyed Snapchat filters and all its glories. I considered making a youtube video compiling some of my filtered photos (because why not be more vain, right?) just because I find them hilarious and think others might too. Who knows though, I’m not much of a YouTuber, so we’ll see if that ever happens.

On a somewhat related note, other thoughts of YouTube video making includes making review/rating videos for food/restaurants. As some of my friends like to consider me a foodie (I don’t call myself one, though I admit I like trying new food places when I can), it’s been recommended that I either 1) stream me eating food or 2) make videos reviewing places I’ve gone to with pictures of the food. While streaming videos of me eating seem a bit strange (despite the growing popularity in it), I did find some interest in video reviewing as I do like to try and review restaurants on Yelp if I find some time. I learn of new places from other people and check reviews to deem a place more or less worthy of attempting, so sharing my experience seems like “giving back” in a sense to the things that guide me to my decisions to food. Some more consideration to be given, especially since I have no idea how I would really get this together and I don’t know if I really eat out enough for this right now (at least to new places). We’ll see.

family love

I will never be able to express enough gratitude and appreciation to my family. I probably don’t even feel enough gratitude to them on a daily basis as I should, but when I do reach some sort of random aha moment of appreciation, I want to make note of it however I can. I have never considered my family super tight knit. My siblings and I generally live fairly independent of each other, and this was especially apparent when we were all still living under the same roof. We just did not always see each other or make much time to try. Perhaps that’s part of being young, exploring elsewhere, and perhaps its just the differences we have in our lives. My siblings and I are all four years or so apart from one another, so my eldest sibling is 8 years older than I and my second sibling is 4 years older than I. And while I do try to visit my parents and siblings every other weekend or so when I am available in town, I actually find this to be a more recent thing now that I’ve moved further from home again. Ultimately, despite sometimes lacking much involvement in each others lives, the one thing that constantly rings true is that we are always there for one another, whether just because we’re bored and looking for something to do, or if we truly need one another for something more serious. This is something I did not frequently make use of until recent years except outside of electronic or car issues (because that basically is all decision made through my brother). In recent years though, I’ve actually been able to really listen and receive advice from my siblings. They’ve provided me with comfort and safety of someone I can always rely upon. As I’ve gotten older, it seems harder to find this in others. Priorities, pride, and a bunch of other things just often get in the way of feeling like I’m truly able to rely on someone else. But with family, even though they may not always be my first choice, I have found time and time again that I can always rely upon them. And for that I am forever grateful. I doubt my siblings will read this post, but if by some chance they do, or my mother does and reiterates this part to them, I hope my siblings and parents both know I am forever grateful for the life I have been blessed with and for the bond I share with them. :) <3

the internet and advice

In recent times, I often google things that I want to find out about. I’m pretty sure a lot of people do this, since searching on the web often provides some credible sources that can shed light to problems we have without having to go through the tedious and possibly expensive process of finding a professional that could help us. Additionally, there are often memes or just picturesque images filled with sayings, advice, and quotes that often fill my Facebook stream.

Sometimes when I search or read these things, it helps bring me some peace or helps me reconfirm my own beliefs. There are times it brings better clarify to a subject I’m unfamiliar with, but ultimately when I search or read these things, I feel that I am just providing more verification to what I already decided. I think this goes back to some fundamental parts of myself, that I want to know others feel the same way that I do or experience the same troubles I am. I want to feel like I am not the only one. I want validation in my emotions or my thoughts, that it’s not whack or outrageous.Validation: something I wish I didn’t really need, but humanely I think we all seek validation from time to time. I want to know I’m not being irrational, that I’m not being too emotional driven or too crazy, that my thought process is natural or normal, that things like this often occur and aren’t signs of something much worse, or whatever it is that I want confirmation in. Validation, the feeling that you are not wrong. I don’t like to be wrong, because I always want to do right the best I can.

But ultimately, I really question how right or wrong things are. I realized at some point, that sometimes the advice I read that really resonated with me when I first read it, didn’t make as much sense later on. There were also times that I felt the words I read or advice or quote I read made absolute sense, a truth of some sort, but later felt like that wasn’t always quite the right case. It’s tough, am I finding advice that I want to hear, or ones that actually lead me down the right path? I do feel that I give myself a clear head when making important decisions so long as I’m not feeling highly emotional at the time. I don’t think most of the things or decisions I’ve made in life have been wrong, but I do feel that there are times I read advice and feel “wow, it’s so true! I do feel like this is the right path to take” and then possibly days later I question if that really is the right kind of idea to take. Ultimately, what changed wasn’t the words that were said or read, but how I felt about a situation or about life then. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe some times advice for one way is good in these circumstances or with this mindset, but not really the right path if you’re feeling a different way about it later. There is probably rarely only one “right” path, and circumstances will always cause different paths to be made.

In any case, I have some more thoughts on this idea but I feel that I am running in circles about it. So with that understanding, I end this post just to wish everyone the best of days. Hope you had a lovely weekend.

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Life changes and One Piece

Fair warning, this may be poorly organized, random, personal, slightly vague, grammatically incorrect and long.

Normally I have a song from SoundCloud available as a featured song that I really enjoyed recently. Unfortunately, the song I recently heard and really enjoyed is not available in the United States (or in my country) currently on Soundcloud, but can be accessed via Facebook videos from the actual group (how that even makes sense, I don’t know, but okay privacy laws). So I share with you this wonderful video (that was already posted on my Facebook at once so it may be redundant to some of y’all):

Above and Beyond’s The Sun and The Moon Acoustic Live

One Piece and manga

Let’s go backwards on my title and start with One Piece. As many people who know me should already know, I am an avid fan of One Piece written by Eiichiro Oda. Not only have I watched all the episodes (though not the recent ones) at least 3-4 times (this is up to about 700+ episodes having watched 3-4x), I have read and re-read most of the manga more than 5-6 times (I don’t have an exact count, but I know it’s at least that many times). Why I have dedicated so much time to reading and watching something I’ve already read is probably pretty strange to most, but simply I just love the entertainment I get from it. I have found that it is one of the best manga’s (and anime’s) written and portrayed in terms of plot and character development. However, this is also due to how incredibly slow Oda-sensei lays out his characters and scenarios. I understand its flaws (and how daunting it is to start), but I will always highly recommend it to any person who likes anime/manga. It does start slow though, so you have to give it (lots of) time.

Now, why One Piece is currently being talked about by me is simply because I recently caught up on all its current chapters. I like to binge watch and read. I don’t watch all that much anymore (and only re-watched it so many times because of past boyfriends whom I started them on it), but I like to read chapter after chapter after chapter. Once per week is simply cruel sometimes; and so what I’ve decided to do is stop reading altogether for an extended period of time and then catch up on it all. In this case, I actually went over a year without reading any One Piece and had 100+ chapters waiting for me. When school finally let out for my brief summer break (of two weeks), I caught up on all of my current manga, one of them being One Piece.

It was perfect. An arc ended and a new one began, new stories about characters began to unravel, more information about important but not main characters began to be told. It was so much and so fulfilling that I would be fine with stopping again for awhile and then catching up again (although, of course, a part of me very much wishes to read what hasn’t been published yet right away). I loved all the bits and pieces that were written. And yes, of course I’m biased, but I don’t really care. As an aside, my only small regret in all of this (by all of this I mean the whole catching up with my manga) is not having attended A-kon this year as a volunteer. Once upon a time I tried to make it a goal to be a volunteer for A-kon by 26. I am currently 26 so this year would have been the last to fulfill that goal, and sadly I was unable to complete it for various reasons (like school). It’s sad, things always find a way to get in your way of what you plan to do. Only if it’s important enough does it become your primary focus. I suppose I love to read manga and watch it occasionally, but it’s the story that attracts me; so a convention, even if it was solely about One Piece, would only do so much for me really. Any how! That was my one blurb about One Piece (and manga) which was very much unnecessary but totally part of who I am. :)

Current life updates

As for news in life, my Spring semester ended! I was able to accomplish what I had never accomplished in my undergrad before my degree and receive a 4.0 GPA this semester! I suppose I’ve just learned to study better? Or maybe the material is just more interesting to me (because it’s more focused on what I liked). Who knows, maybe both. I had a brief break of about two weeks in May and during that time I spent it at my boyfriend’s place in Dallas along with our vacation trip to Punta de Mita, Mexico (Puerto Vallarta). This was my first time going to Mexico (and my boyfriend’s first time going to this part of Mexico, as he was born and partially raised in a more northern and eastern side of Mexico?) and our first vacation together so it was quite exciting! We got delayed (our plane had technical issues that weren’t resolvable quickly so we had to wait for a different plane that landed 4 hours later to be used by us to take us there), but still despite our shortened time it was great! Some of the activities that we did included snorkeling and zip-lining. We actually got to go on the word’s second largest zip-line and also where they shot the movie Predator. It was quite a thrill and I was very glad we did it (especially for the deal we were able to get).

personal pic

Us touring and checking out the view! :)

Additionally on our trip, we visited a new resort (as part of our way to get the discount and them try to get our business) which had a beautiful view of the ocean and partial city. One side of the city is mountain and the other is a beautiful blue-green ocean. It was magical to see, and with their infinity pool that matched in color, it was truly a lovely sight.

ocean view garza blanca

The view from the place we toured. Beautiful ocean color

City view, ocean view, mountain view

Part of the city and the ocean view, you can see some of the mountainous part too.

Garza Blanca panoramic view

Panoramic view of the infinity pool and the view

For snorkeling, we kept to a bit more shallow of areas for better or for worse. We saw many fishes (including a puffer fish) and the second day we went we actually got caught up in some shallow coral reef areas that had lots of sea urchins. Unfortunately, the boyfriend slightly stepped on one (as the puncture hold was very much circular) and was unsure until the day after that you weren’t suppose to close up the hole without getting all the spikes/spindles of the sea urchin out (because they’re poisonous). He was able to reopen the wound and push out hopefully all the spindles but it did cause for a sore foot (that still somewhat continues) with foot cramps. Our package included airfare, lodging, food, and drinks, so we were able to feast and drink heartily. Surprisingly, the first night we came in I had an amazing medium rare stake. Despite living in Texas all my life (minus 4 years in Atlanta), this was one of the most amazing medium rare steaks I’d ever had. It was perfectly seasoned, perfectly cooked with a good bloody middle, and absolutely melt in your mouth wonderful. Pretty much all of the food I had while there was wonderful, and I definitely miss having it all paid for already.

medium rare steak

This. was. amazing! And surprisingly filling

Lobster and veggies

Another fine dining option I was able to enjoy. Simple yet delicious

dinner view sunset colors beautiful

The night view at dinner. Beautiful colors.

As for now, summer session has started up! One of my classes sadly was cancelled in the summer and now I must take it in the fall. This wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that is overlaps with another class I wanted to take. So now I can’t take the other class (which wasn’t exactly required but very much eventually is necessary and some schools do have it as a requirement) because I absolutely have to take the one that was cancelled in the summer. Fortunately, it does allow for a little more free time for my very much packed summer schedule. Including my one class that occurs three times a week for 2.5 hours, I also am working in two different research labs and also about to take on a part-time job working two days a week there. Similar to what I previously did at Brent Woodall Foundation for Exception Kids, I will be using ABA method to work with autistic children. It’s only 16 or so hours a week, but it ultimately causes me to basically have a full schedule every day with only night times for studying. Additionally, I will have to become RBT (Behavior Therapist) certified within 30 days to continue working at my new place, all of it being self-study and testing on my own. Daunting, but exciting!

My two labs are also very different but very exhilarating as well. For one, I will be compiling and exporting data in my spare time there and also running EEG and other types of brain/auditory studies. It’s definitely a lot to learn about and understand, but incredibly cool to think I would be doing this kind of research. As to my other lab, it is a little more lax in terms of scheduling, which somewhat works in my favor, and also very straightforward. The best part is that it does help in my future schooling/licensing as counting towards hours that I will need with patients for my Master’s/licensing as an SLP. I am forever grateful for having both opportunities provided to me despite many applicants. (This also goes for the job, since I definitely need to off-set all of my expenditures which has reduced my bank account significantly.)

So summer is looking freshly busy, and honestly I think it’s probably a good thing. As to why is to follow.

Life and all it’s changes

Recently I’ve experienced some changes to my life that, for me, came from no where. This isn’t my school ended/beginning summer stuff, or anything that I knew was to come. This is changes that may have somewhat subtly begun to change and then grew without understanding why. Changes will occur in life regardless of what you do. In some ways, to change is to improve, hopefully. And honestly, I can understand that the changes that occurred (or really still are) were probably necessary, or at the very least I believe it to be realistic.

I think the problem was that while I didn’t require the expectations that were set, I didn’t understand why they had changed. I did not set my expectations, I just followed with what was provided to me naturally. It became the habit, the normal flow of what usually will come. And when the habit changes, when things aren’t coming as they used to, I worry why. Why did it change? What is causing this to occur? It’s not that I can’t accept it to happen, I just need to understand why (and probably time to adjust and ease into it). But when I don’t know why and the changes keep getting more and more… Yes, of course I will become even more worried, even more insecure and even more afraid. It’s strange, I had never felt so secure and yet so insecure before. I knew that I had no reason to worry, but I couldn’t understand why changes were happening and that allowed for doubt and insecurities. I couldn’t shake the creeping thoughts that questioned “what’s going on” and couldn’t answer the unknown. It ultimately caused a drift, one that I also wasn’t fully aware of at first and one I only recently somewhat reconciled.

It was crazy, I kept seeing signs that pointed both directions. Signs that told me I needed to worry, and signs that told me I was overreacting. Even now, I still have worries about it all, but I’ve come to accept how much I can currently change and how much I can only allow time to tell. I wanted to write my own version that made perfect sense to me, that fell in line with everything I was imagining, but reality doesn’t work that way.

In my life, there are few fantasies I have of the future. One that currently has become a goal is becoming an SLP and working as one. This goal I can actively work to achieve with major direct means to achieve it. Another is to marry and raise a family. While in some ways I’m sure I can actively work to achieve this with some fairly direct means, I want love and marriage with kids, not just marriage with kids. I don’t believe marriage/kids is the ultimate goal of life, and I don’t believe you need to have those in order to have a full, successful, meaningful, and happy life. I do, however, want those. I want them, but I don’t need them. I don’t believe everyone will necessarily get those things either. Sometimes, life just works out in ways you didn’t think would happen. If I never marry, or never have kids, I’m sure I can find happiness still. However, in my fantasies as a child and even now, I still hope to accomplish such things.

I started to seriously consider these things a year or two ago. I would mostly chalk it up to age as the reason why. When I was younger, I imagined myself potentially married (or engaged) by 25. Obviously that didn’t happen as I’m past that age already, and personally I am perfectly fine with it not happening as all my previous boyfriends clearly didn’t work out for the long run. But I remember my last break up and feeling it hit me not because of it being a very deep and serious relationship that ended (though, of course, it was in its own ways), but that I had to start all over again. That I had to somehow find new people who were also single, get to know them and foster a relationship, and hopefully make a strong connection. Finding people, outside of bars and crowds I don’t usually hang at, is difficult when you’re not in school or forcibly surrounded by various functions that introduce you to new people all the time. I had never had issues with being single in my life, and honestly quite enjoyed any time I was single. But at 25 and finding myself single again, it was just a bit hard to swallow at first. To realize that I may not find the happiness I wanted to achieve as clearly I hadn’t found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with (and vice versa). Nowadays, I’m in a committed relationship, and of course I take it quite seriously. And of course, I do have high confidence in its future. However, I suppose because I do truly want to have a family and kids, I lost sight of the fact that I can be happy without such things just as much. I began to focus too heavily on such things, things that ultimately aren’t necessary to my life. It doesn’t mean I won’t still be serious, but it does mean that I probably shouldn’t dedicate as much time as I previously had been to it all. It took some fighting, some misunderstanding and lack of understanding, and ultimately me writing down my feelings on paper, to truly be able to start to accept how life was going for me in that regard. I’m still struggling, in some ways, but I think keeping busy with other things will help me overcome those struggles. As for the potential fall back from this reality, I’m not sure. I can only hope that this is the change that is necessary for the best future me.

An aside – poetry

In my younger years I used to write a lot of poetry. Surely it was very much teen angst filled and an emotional roller coaster, however it was still very much true to my feelings at the time. I actually felt that when I was younger I was better at expressing myself in poetry than I could currently do now. Maybe because I try to not be so emotional, or I try to get over it all and “intelligently” say it. I don’t know, but in light of recent emotional turmoil, I wrote short passages that aren’t necessarily as true anymore, but were definitely true when I first thought them. I decided to share them simply because as part of my goals in this blog, I want to share myself with my future self and with an audience that may take comfort in whatever way from my post. I could easily hide my personal troubles and emotions, but I feel that it is through those that you best connect with others. Likewise, I try not to be too personal because my life events also involve others whom may not like to have their story told to random people. As it be, this is slightly contradictory and not easily remedied, but I tried my best to not be too vague and not too specific either. Hopefully it worked. Anyways! To the actual poetry (again, not my current state of being, but still nonetheless important to me):

The change came from no where
No precipitous waves to tell me what would occur
And as I reached out trying to grasp towards your hand
I felt the clear glass wall you put up in defense
While you flinched and turned from me
I couldn’t figure out why it happened that way
When the roles began to change
And in my head rang
‘Abandon all hope. Believe’

I braced myself for the impact
I steadied my heart and determination
For a brief moment, the peace enveloped me
Gently holding me in its also worn arms
But I felt the glass go up again
And once more I could no longer feel the warmth
My determination faltered
And I was left thinking
‘You should’ve known. You can’t believe’

– – – –

I didn’t write beyond this as soon afterwards I found time and wrote down my feelings in a letter (to no one). That letter helped calm my emotional uproar and bring me my current acceptance of life. It also helped me see how therapeutic writing can truly be. I highly encourage it if you find yourself stuck in a rut. If I were to continue this poem, it would probably go like this:

I whispered my memories into the sea
Silence comforted me drifting along
Whether the glass was there, I held my tongue
And let the waves rock me through, the horizon gazing down

Unfortunately, it doesn’t really align with the previous verses as well simply because it’s a different state of mind, but I tried to match it as best as I can. Hopefully it feels closing enough (and on a happier note, since that is how I currently feel). In any case, that’s all I got for today! I hope this post finds you well. Have a nice day!

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