Category Archives: Random

a really impressive title goes here

I wanted to write another blog post to update like I said I would, but I found that I wasn’t sure what to write about at this current time. So please bear with me as I try to come up with something witty, or whatever. =)

Normally I add in a currently jammin’ to song from Soundcloud, but as Soundcloud has started to try to increase profit margin rather than stick true to their original ideology, it’s become more difficult sometimes to get the song I want on there. I still chose one this time, but it may be time to change to another site to stream music on here… Sigh.

Currently jammin’ to:

This jam is a bit long since it’s a long mix rather than an individual song, but definitely worth it. Additionally, I recently saw Ekali live at The Kingdom in Austin a couple weekends ago. The openers were so-so, but when Ekali took the stage it definitely was pretty awesome. I will say that the lights were a bit blinding for such a small space. I literally felt blind at times and had to step back further from the stage at times in order to reorient myself because of how blinding the laser lights were at times. I think some of it was due to the size of the room though, being so small allowed for so much reflection. At least it wasn’t stuffy and hot. So glad I got to check out Ekali.

Summer finale

Summer is coming to a close, surprisingly fast. I can’t believe it’s already August. I have so much I need to get together, start to do. I feel like I’m so behind. And yet there’s so much that I’ve also already done. It’s crazy. It’s also amazing to realize that I only have one more semester left of my current classes before I enter (hopefully) into my Master’s program. As I write this, I think “shouldn’t I be working on my statement instead?” considering that I have to have one by September 15th for UT Dallas… umm, yeah whoops.

And what a summer it has been. Lots of ups, lots of downs. Not quite what I imagined it would be, and still not where I want it to be, but hopefully with some luck, some talks, and some work it will get to where I want it. I will say this much, I have learned and experienced a lot this summer. This year overall, really. I am looking forward to continuing to learn more and experience many wonderful things. It feels fitting to reflect on some of the new things I’ve gotten to experience, but I think I’d rather just focus on the recent things that have occurred since I last posted.

My final summer class is winding down, ending next week! Eek, that is incredibly soon. I have no idea where the time went in this class. Least to say I did not enjoy it as much as my previous class, but I am glad for the grades I’ve been getting (somehow keeping my 4.0 GPA) and I greatly appreciate having taken this class with a friend. It definitely made the whole experience more bearable and easier.

Recently, I returned back from attending a wedding in California for my boyfriend’s cousin. It involved my boyfriend’s whole immediate family, so needless to say it was not like our Mexico trip together, but we still had fun and he finally got to visit Disneyland for the first time, something his father promised him a long time ago when he was still young. The wedding itself was also something wonderful as well. Even though I hardly knew the couple and was only there politely as one of the distant cousin’s girlfriend, I still really took the experience to heart. I think I was just feeling quite emotional that day, but I had lots of feelings listening to the ceremony/speeches and watching the whole thing. I think love is a wonderful thing. Something to cherish greatly, and something to hold onto as best as possible when you can. I know it’s also hard work, to create happiness all the time and always feel grateful for everything you have. We take for granted so much all the time, I feel. And just the same, love is easily taken for granted. Whether it comes from our parents, from our friends, or our significant other, it’s easy to lose sight of how significant it is to have someone love you. Watching the wedding, it really made me consider my own personal values and personal goals for the future. I am definitely not ready to be married, but perhaps because of age or whatever it is, I know I’m looking forward to settling. Kids, however, that’s a completely different situation, one I am absolutely not ready to even consider. ANYWAYS!

Normally I would write a whole bunch more, but honestly I am realizing how much work I have to get done and I also lack much to say right now. So with that in mind, I end this very short post and update. I’ll try to give this more thought later. :D

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Life changes and One Piece

Fair warning, this may be poorly organized, random, personal, slightly vague, grammatically incorrect and long.

Normally I have a song from SoundCloud available as a featured song that I really enjoyed recently. Unfortunately, the song I recently heard and really enjoyed is not available in the United States (or in my country) currently on Soundcloud, but can be accessed via Facebook videos from the actual group (how that even makes sense, I don’t know, but okay privacy laws). So I share with you this wonderful video (that was already posted on my Facebook at once so it may be redundant to some of y’all):

Above and Beyond’s The Sun and The Moon Acoustic Live

One Piece and manga

Let’s go backwards on my title and start with One Piece. As many people who know me should already know, I am an avid fan of One Piece written by Eiichiro Oda. Not only have I watched all the episodes (though not the recent ones) at least 3-4 times (this is up to about 700+ episodes having watched 3-4x), I have read and re-read most of the manga more than 5-6 times (I don’t have an exact count, but I know it’s at least that many times). Why I have dedicated so much time to reading and watching something I’ve already read is probably pretty strange to most, but simply I just love the entertainment I get from it. I have found that it is one of the best manga’s (and anime’s) written and portrayed in terms of plot and character development. However, this is also due to how incredibly slow Oda-sensei lays out his characters and scenarios. I understand its flaws (and how daunting it is to start), but I will always highly recommend it to any person who likes anime/manga. It does start slow though, so you have to give it (lots of) time.

Now, why One Piece is currently being talked about by me is simply because I recently caught up on all its current chapters. I like to binge watch and read. I don’t watch all that much anymore (and only re-watched it so many times because of past boyfriends whom I started them on it), but I like to read chapter after chapter after chapter. Once per week is simply cruel sometimes; and so what I’ve decided to do is stop reading altogether for an extended period of time and then catch up on it all. In this case, I actually went over a year without reading any One Piece and had 100+ chapters waiting for me. When school finally let out for my brief summer break (of two weeks), I caught up on all of my current manga, one of them being One Piece.

It was perfect. An arc ended and a new one began, new stories about characters began to unravel, more information about important but not main characters began to be told. It was so much and so fulfilling that I would be fine with stopping again for awhile and then catching up again (although, of course, a part of me very much wishes to read what hasn’t been published yet right away). I loved all the bits and pieces that were written. And yes, of course I’m biased, but I don’t really care. As an aside, my only small regret in all of this (by all of this I mean the whole catching up with my manga) is not having attended A-kon this year as a volunteer. Once upon a time I tried to make it a goal to be a volunteer for A-kon by 26. I am currently 26 so this year would have been the last to fulfill that goal, and sadly I was unable to complete it for various reasons (like school). It’s sad, things always find a way to get in your way of what you plan to do. Only if it’s important enough does it become your primary focus. I suppose I love to read manga and watch it occasionally, but it’s the story that attracts me; so a convention, even if it was solely about One Piece, would only do so much for me really. Any how! That was my one blurb about One Piece (and manga) which was very much unnecessary but totally part of who I am. :)

Current life updates

As for news in life, my Spring semester ended! I was able to accomplish what I had never accomplished in my undergrad before my degree and receive a 4.0 GPA this semester! I suppose I’ve just learned to study better? Or maybe the material is just more interesting to me (because it’s more focused on what I liked). Who knows, maybe both. I had a brief break of about two weeks in May and during that time I spent it at my boyfriend’s place in Dallas along with our vacation trip to Punta de Mita, Mexico (Puerto Vallarta). This was my first time going to Mexico (and my boyfriend’s first time going to this part of Mexico, as he was born and partially raised in a more northern and eastern side of Mexico?) and our first vacation together so it was quite exciting! We got delayed (our plane had technical issues that weren’t resolvable quickly so we had to wait for a different plane that landed 4 hours later to be used by us to take us there), but still despite our shortened time it was great! Some of the activities that we did included snorkeling and zip-lining. We actually got to go on the word’s second largest zip-line and also where they shot the movie Predator. It was quite a thrill and I was very glad we did it (especially for the deal we were able to get).

personal pic

Us touring and checking out the view! :)

Additionally on our trip, we visited a new resort (as part of our way to get the discount and them try to get our business) which had a beautiful view of the ocean and partial city. One side of the city is mountain and the other is a beautiful blue-green ocean. It was magical to see, and with their infinity pool that matched in color, it was truly a lovely sight.

ocean view garza blanca

The view from the place we toured. Beautiful ocean color

City view, ocean view, mountain view

Part of the city and the ocean view, you can see some of the mountainous part too.

Garza Blanca panoramic view

Panoramic view of the infinity pool and the view

For snorkeling, we kept to a bit more shallow of areas for better or for worse. We saw many fishes (including a puffer fish) and the second day we went we actually got caught up in some shallow coral reef areas that had lots of sea urchins. Unfortunately, the boyfriend slightly stepped on one (as the puncture hold was very much circular) and was unsure until the day after that you weren’t suppose to close up the hole without getting all the spikes/spindles of the sea urchin out (because they’re poisonous). He was able to reopen the wound and push out hopefully all the spindles but it did cause for a sore foot (that still somewhat continues) with foot cramps. Our package included airfare, lodging, food, and drinks, so we were able to feast and drink heartily. Surprisingly, the first night we came in I had an amazing medium rare stake. Despite living in Texas all my life (minus 4 years in Atlanta), this was one of the most amazing medium rare steaks I’d ever had. It was perfectly seasoned, perfectly cooked with a good bloody middle, and absolutely melt in your mouth wonderful. Pretty much all of the food I had while there was wonderful, and I definitely miss having it all paid for already.

medium rare steak

This. was. amazing! And surprisingly filling

Lobster and veggies

Another fine dining option I was able to enjoy. Simple yet delicious

dinner view sunset colors beautiful

The night view at dinner. Beautiful colors.

As for now, summer session has started up! One of my classes sadly was cancelled in the summer and now I must take it in the fall. This wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that is overlaps with another class I wanted to take. So now I can’t take the other class (which wasn’t exactly required but very much eventually is necessary and some schools do have it as a requirement) because I absolutely have to take the one that was cancelled in the summer. Fortunately, it does allow for a little more free time for my very much packed summer schedule. Including my one class that occurs three times a week for 2.5 hours, I also am working in two different research labs and also about to take on a part-time job working two days a week there. Similar to what I previously did at Brent Woodall Foundation for Exception Kids, I will be using ABA method to work with autistic children. It’s only 16 or so hours a week, but it ultimately causes me to basically have a full schedule every day with only night times for studying. Additionally, I will have to become RBT (Behavior Therapist) certified within 30 days to continue working at my new place, all of it being self-study and testing on my own. Daunting, but exciting!

My two labs are also very different but very exhilarating as well. For one, I will be compiling and exporting data in my spare time there and also running EEG and other types of brain/auditory studies. It’s definitely a lot to learn about and understand, but incredibly cool to think I would be doing this kind of research. As to my other lab, it is a little more lax in terms of scheduling, which somewhat works in my favor, and also very straightforward. The best part is that it does help in my future schooling/licensing as counting towards hours that I will need with patients for my Master’s/licensing as an SLP. I am forever grateful for having both opportunities provided to me despite many applicants. (This also goes for the job, since I definitely need to off-set all of my expenditures which has reduced my bank account significantly.)

So summer is looking freshly busy, and honestly I think it’s probably a good thing. As to why is to follow.

Life and all it’s changes

Recently I’ve experienced some changes to my life that, for me, came from no where. This isn’t my school ended/beginning summer stuff, or anything that I knew was to come. This is changes that may have somewhat subtly begun to change and then grew without understanding why. Changes will occur in life regardless of what you do. In some ways, to change is to improve, hopefully. And honestly, I can understand that the changes that occurred (or really still are) were probably necessary, or at the very least I believe it to be realistic.

I think the problem was that while I didn’t require the expectations that were set, I didn’t understand why they had changed. I did not set my expectations, I just followed with what was provided to me naturally. It became the habit, the normal flow of what usually will come. And when the habit changes, when things aren’t coming as they used to, I worry why. Why did it change? What is causing this to occur? It’s not that I can’t accept it to happen, I just need to understand why (and probably time to adjust and ease into it). But when I don’t know why and the changes keep getting more and more… Yes, of course I will become even more worried, even more insecure and even more afraid. It’s strange, I had never felt so secure and yet so insecure before. I knew that I had no reason to worry, but I couldn’t understand why changes were happening and that allowed for doubt and insecurities. I couldn’t shake the creeping thoughts that questioned “what’s going on” and couldn’t answer the unknown. It ultimately caused a drift, one that I also wasn’t fully aware of at first and one I only recently somewhat reconciled.

It was crazy, I kept seeing signs that pointed both directions. Signs that told me I needed to worry, and signs that told me I was overreacting. Even now, I still have worries about it all, but I’ve come to accept how much I can currently change and how much I can only allow time to tell. I wanted to write my own version that made perfect sense to me, that fell in line with everything I was imagining, but reality doesn’t work that way.

In my life, there are few fantasies I have of the future. One that currently has become a goal is becoming an SLP and working as one. This goal I can actively work to achieve with major direct means to achieve it. Another is to marry and raise a family. While in some ways I’m sure I can actively work to achieve this with some fairly direct means, I want love and marriage with kids, not just marriage with kids. I don’t believe marriage/kids is the ultimate goal of life, and I don’t believe you need to have those in order to have a full, successful, meaningful, and happy life. I do, however, want those. I want them, but I don’t need them. I don’t believe everyone will necessarily get those things either. Sometimes, life just works out in ways you didn’t think would happen. If I never marry, or never have kids, I’m sure I can find happiness still. However, in my fantasies as a child and even now, I still hope to accomplish such things.

I started to seriously consider these things a year or two ago. I would mostly chalk it up to age as the reason why. When I was younger, I imagined myself potentially married (or engaged) by 25. Obviously that didn’t happen as I’m past that age already, and personally I am perfectly fine with it not happening as all my previous boyfriends clearly didn’t work out for the long run. But I remember my last break up and feeling it hit me not because of it being a very deep and serious relationship that ended (though, of course, it was in its own ways), but that I had to start all over again. That I had to somehow find new people who were also single, get to know them and foster a relationship, and hopefully make a strong connection. Finding people, outside of bars and crowds I don’t usually hang at, is difficult when you’re not in school or forcibly surrounded by various functions that introduce you to new people all the time. I had never had issues with being single in my life, and honestly quite enjoyed any time I was single. But at 25 and finding myself single again, it was just a bit hard to swallow at first. To realize that I may not find the happiness I wanted to achieve as clearly I hadn’t found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with (and vice versa). Nowadays, I’m in a committed relationship, and of course I take it quite seriously. And of course, I do have high confidence in its future. However, I suppose because I do truly want to have a family and kids, I lost sight of the fact that I can be happy without such things just as much. I began to focus too heavily on such things, things that ultimately aren’t necessary to my life. It doesn’t mean I won’t still be serious, but it does mean that I probably shouldn’t dedicate as much time as I previously had been to it all. It took some fighting, some misunderstanding and lack of understanding, and ultimately me writing down my feelings on paper, to truly be able to start to accept how life was going for me in that regard. I’m still struggling, in some ways, but I think keeping busy with other things will help me overcome those struggles. As for the potential fall back from this reality, I’m not sure. I can only hope that this is the change that is necessary for the best future me.

An aside – poetry

In my younger years I used to write a lot of poetry. Surely it was very much teen angst filled and an emotional roller coaster, however it was still very much true to my feelings at the time. I actually felt that when I was younger I was better at expressing myself in poetry than I could currently do now. Maybe because I try to not be so emotional, or I try to get over it all and “intelligently” say it. I don’t know, but in light of recent emotional turmoil, I wrote short passages that aren’t necessarily as true anymore, but were definitely true when I first thought them. I decided to share them simply because as part of my goals in this blog, I want to share myself with my future self and with an audience that may take comfort in whatever way from my post. I could easily hide my personal troubles and emotions, but I feel that it is through those that you best connect with others. Likewise, I try not to be too personal because my life events also involve others whom may not like to have their story told to random people. As it be, this is slightly contradictory and not easily remedied, but I tried my best to not be too vague and not too specific either. Hopefully it worked. Anyways! To the actual poetry (again, not my current state of being, but still nonetheless important to me):

The change came from no where
No precipitous waves to tell me what would occur
And as I reached out trying to grasp towards your hand
I felt the clear glass wall you put up in defense
While you flinched and turned from me
I couldn’t figure out why it happened that way
When the roles began to change
And in my head rang
‘Abandon all hope. Believe’

I braced myself for the impact
I steadied my heart and determination
For a brief moment, the peace enveloped me
Gently holding me in its also worn arms
But I felt the glass go up again
And once more I could no longer feel the warmth
My determination faltered
And I was left thinking
‘You should’ve known. You can’t believe’

– – – –

I didn’t write beyond this as soon afterwards I found time and wrote down my feelings in a letter (to no one). That letter helped calm my emotional uproar and bring me my current acceptance of life. It also helped me see how therapeutic writing can truly be. I highly encourage it if you find yourself stuck in a rut. If I were to continue this poem, it would probably go like this:

I whispered my memories into the sea
Silence comforted me drifting along
Whether the glass was there, I held my tongue
And let the waves rock me through, the horizon gazing down

Unfortunately, it doesn’t really align with the previous verses as well simply because it’s a different state of mind, but I tried to match it as best as I can. Hopefully it feels closing enough (and on a happier note, since that is how I currently feel). In any case, that’s all I got for today! I hope this post finds you well. Have a nice day!

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the return of karen?

Currently jammin’ to:

A long time ago (and by a long time, I mean a few years), I started this blog as a personal place for me to explore and express my own thoughts. Sometimes it was a reflection and representation of previous events that I had attended, sometimes it was conscious streams of opinions and observations I had created. Either way, I made it available to others to read, just in case for someone reason others found what I did or thought interesting, and mostly it served as a copy for me to remember and reflect on possibly later in life. You could say “online diary” but I would really just say an expression of myself and potential outlet of ideas. Probably only a year or less into creation, I ended up abandoning it in a sense. It wasn’t that I gave up on it, but it no longer became prioritized to me to write in. Part of it was simply from personal things occurring in my life, of which I did not want to share with the world (at least not on a public-stranger level anyways), and part of it was changes that occurred which resulted in me using laptops and computers less frequently (aka less likely to find random time to be posting a blog). I’ve never forgotten about my site, my blogging, and my initial inspiration for it, but perhaps my current inspiration is more dimmed and a slightly different flame now. I have thought about returning and updating again every so often, but never found the time or strong enough urge to proactively dedicate time daily or even weekly to collecting myself and putting myself out on the web again.

It has been over a year (two years?) since I last updated my blog (aka right now), and I still feel the slight uncertainty that I can commit to a frequent updating cycle, but my desire to do so, with similar reasons, is still very much alive. It is because of this, and mostly because I now have a bit more free time that I could actually utilize to updating on a regular basis, that I’ve decided to take up the mantle again. Sadly, I cannot guarantee how long my commitment will or won’t last, but try I still shall, even if I feel I have being doing very little in activities to write about.

So, now that I’m back, what do I say? Well I guess if I’m keeping my future self updated about my past self, the best place to start is what’s happening  in life for me now. Here’s a rambling summary:

I returned back to school. A real job just didn’t really do it for me; or more like, all the miscellaneous jobs I did were unfulfilling and lacked motivation outside of me making money. I like money, mostly because it lets me eat what I want and do things I like to do that costs money, but I don’t want to live to make money for a couple of vacations every few years. I, like possibly many in my generation, want a job that satisfies my own expressive self!… and makes money. Or what I really mean is that I want to do something that I actually enjoy and hope that it makes me enough to be satisfied with everything else. Considering the amount of time one normally spends in life working, I’d imagine if I’m happy working, I’ll probably be okay in life overall too. So I’m back in school studying to become a Speech-Language Pathologist. Where did this come? Mostly from trying to find more practical uses of my degree (or at least the studies involved in them) even though to actually do anything I need more studying (which I basically guessed would happen). Linguistics is an ever so interesting field. So are people. People’s perception and understanding are pretty nifty too. And then I want to help people understand better. So psychology wasn’t quite the exact route, but helping people talk or understand language better, well, that sounds a lot better. And thus, here I am, back at school. I decided to be financially smart (and also it’s a great school) and am attending the University of Texas at Austin now. The sad thing is that I’m still not quite at the level I need to be. I’m not completing a Master’s, I’m continuing studies in order to satisfy pre-requisite courses to apply for the Master’s program. Even worse, some colleges have different prerequisites. Tough. But I enjoy it, and I’m pleased to say I’ve had the best grades I’ve ever had in my college experience (guess I did finally learn how to study! or something). It’s a bit strange to be back on campus, especially with how much controversy there is on campus now a days I feel like (concealed carry coming to you Fall 2016!… what), and of course the age gap is a bit off putting, but I found a few friends who are in the same boat as me (the boat of “my original degree isn’t what I wanted or as useful as I hoped” or something) and we keep each other feeling good, I think. So current status: student, unemployed, and broke. Oh how times have changed… Not.

As for things outside of school (which isn’t much, sadly), I am happily in a committed relationship that seems more promising than any previous. I don’t know if that’s just the relationship talking, or the age influencing that emotion too (I mean, I would prefer not to be an old maid), but regardless I am happily involved in a semi-long distance relationship with a Mexican. Who would’ve guessed. Let’s just say I like throw my parents off all the time apparently. If you’re reading this dear, love you! :D <3 Officially five months in (it’s much shorter than it feels) and going strong.

I had some other stuff written last week for this, but I decided to cut it all out. If this is my return, I want it to be light, an updating summary, and then grow back in to whatever I hope it to be (I have no idea). If you’re still reading and following me, then awesome! I hope I’m entertaining to you or that you find comfort in anything I say. If not, well hope you have a good day. I like positivity, I can take criticism, but I will not accept negative comments that aren’t constructive to the conversation. There are times that I may express myself politically or just in my own opinion (well, that’s probably all the time since this is MY blog), and perhaps you do or do not agree. I won’t reject any comment just because it isn’t the same opinion as mine, but if I do think it is inappropriate or not constructive to the conversation, then I may reject the comment. Just an FYI.

I don’t have any sort of philosophical or take away message from any of this except to say I’m back. I’m back to try and regularly express myself to an unknown (and partially known) audience of people who feel like reading my thoughts. They aren’t expertly crafted, they sometimes run on and are grammatically incorrect (I’m sure), and they probably will be quite random or make no sense at all, but if it ever provides you comfort, or gives you inspiration, then I’m glad.

Hope you have a good day.

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Random and spur of the moment. Why the hey not.

It’s 3:30 AM and yet I’m still up and strangely writing a random blog. I just felt like writing one, and thus I am. I expect this will be a short one too.

Currently jammin’ to: Sweetest Kill by Broken Social Scene

Another recent catch that I’ve been quite enjoying. The music video (you can find it on youtube) is nothing short of a disappointment (and I don’t even get much out of MVs usually) to the point that I actually can’t stand watching it. It disgraces the song, but the song itself it great. At least to me. Broken Social Scene isn’t one of my more well-known bands though I’ve heard of them for quite some time (have their Fire Eye’d Boy song since freshman year of high school, 9+ years ago now). I’m glad to know they’re still making great music that is true to their style.

So what to say in a random post?

I saw Pacific Rim finally. I don’t really know why I was so keen on seeing it, I’m not a super action junkie, but I heard/read good things and somehow the influences of my most recent ex-boyfriend probably somewhere embedded an idea of watching this movie. I wasn’t disappointed. A friend had told me of its cliche moments, and when they came boy was it cliche, but honestly I thought the movie overall was good for what it predominantly was, action. I liked it, so if anyone’s out to just get some entertainment from a movie I’d suggest it. If you want more critical or deep thinking, or even one which isn’t so predictable, well I wouldn’t suggest it.

I’m a terrible bowler and I’ve always known that which is why I used to always refrain from bowling even if that meant I’d just sit and watch others bowl. In fact, that’s frequently what I did often when I was a bit younger (this means high school). As part of my growing up, or perhaps just best to say as part of changing me (for hopefully the better), I started to come out of my embarrassment and just do it. Sort of an all or nothing, but more that I’m just acknowledging that I’m pretty terrible at quite a bit of things and I won’t improve unless I actually try. And despite how embarrassing it is that I am terrible, it’s worst that I just sit there and not actually participate. I lose out on so much by only watching. Don’t get me wrong, I do still enjoy observing and not actually being active in the activity at times, but in all honesty I’ve learned that you won’t go very far by just watching. So with that in mind, I set myself to try and do anything once. So bowling was attempted, and each game I didn’t bowl very high (I’m embarrassed to even say the score) but I at least, in each game, got a strike or spare at least once. And that’s all I’ll say on that.

But the more important part of that is that I’m changing myself. I’ve allowed myself to participate in terribly embarrassing events, I’ve opened myself up to a few people more than I ever would have, and I’ve overall attempted to change bits of me that I thought necessary to change. I make myself who I am going to be. Perhaps not everything is in my control, but there are definitely things that are, and that starts with who I am, how I deal with things, and how I compose myself to react. Still, I find it necessary to revert back to my previous self sometimes. To not let everything be known, to still know how to be embarrassed, and to still be privy to surprise and unexpected emotion. Though honestly I’d love to have all the self-control in emotion I can have again. Well, I say that, but my “self-control” before was just a lack of emotional attempt (or at least showing it).

Anyways! This post has gone from one random spectrum to another, and honestly I’m not sure my brain is functioning properly to write a good blog post. I suppose I should one day be grateful I still bothered to post even on such a random thought as this, but I shall also be equally glad I stopped before trying to attempt something I’m not capable of performing at the moment. So without adieu, I leave with one final note: I started watching Downton Abbey. It was a wonderful idea (and probably a bad one too in a sense). I quite enjoy it. It’s why I was even up until now. Truly you love some characters and hate the others, but then you learn to love the ones you hate too sometimes. Bugger.


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So when I don’t stare at a computer for 8+ hours 5 days a week…

Sadly, it has been longer than I would have hoped since my last post. This is mostly due to the recent shift from employment requiring me to sit at a computer for 8+ hours M-F to not having to do jack crap except get my life together, eventually. Unemployment is a wonderful and terrible thing, and I really should apply for it (so that I technically still get paid). Despite my returned-pain ankle, an active full day, and consistent come-and-go- stomach aches, I figured since it’s been so long and since I keep telling myself I’ll eventually write a post, I figure I should just do it. Now. And thus here I am. Why I write like I’m talking to someone other than myself (because remember, ultimately I write this for my own future self to look back and think “man that was some wisdom or lack there of that I had :cringe:” or something), well I guess it’s just easier to write like I’m talking to people who actually care, but oh well! Anyways on to actual noteworthy (or not so much) commentary.

Currently jammin’ to: Pursuit of Happiness (Steve Aoki Remix) by Kid Cudi

Back when I was first learning of The White Panda on youtube, I came across this version of Kid Cudi’s Pursuit of Happiness song. I hadn’t heard the original, and I sort of thought the Aoki remix was a bit repetitive and not really that amazing. I also thought Project X was a ridiculous and not so awesome movie based on the youtube video (never watched the movie and I’m okay with that). And yet, like everything in life, my preferences have slightly changed and I actually find this song quite nice. It still has its repetitions and I’m sure give me a few weeks and I’ll probably stop listening to it almost every day at least once (actually that’s almost already happening) and yes, i still don’t really like the youtube video when I consider that was actually a movie, but I like it now (and a few other newer songs I recently got) and that’s all that matters in a sense when I’m talking about my “currently jammin’ to” tunes. But really, I’m liking a lot of other songs too.

I realize that frequently my posts tend to be quite long. I know this is one part due to the fact that I like to make long, run-on sentence to get to a point which goes in every which direction (aka I like to ramble), and another because I just have so many (random) thoughts that occur which lead to another point and leads to another (aka more rambling) and I frequently have internal conflict so I have to say both sides (aka longer arguments). Maybe because I’m tired or maybe just ’cause I don’t want to think too hard right now, I’m going to try and keep this post shorter. I suppose though, since the title talks about what I’m doing now that I’m unemployed, I should stick to stuff related to that or more recent things that have been happening to me anyways.

What do you do when you’re unemployed?

As typical, I decided to job hunt. While job hunting, I had to contemplate if I actually liked the job I had before. I did in a sense, but I also knew even before I became unemployed that I wasn’t very interested in the field. At least not the SEO part (which is what I was mostly doing, rather than the UX stuff that my title suggested). So, then came the life contemplation as to what I wanted in the future. I guess in a sense it was easier back then because you just chose a job and stuck with it forever. You didn’t aspire too much, you just did some sort of practical thing and sometimes you liked it and sometimes you didn’t but either way it got food on the table and a roof over your head. Now, my generation and a bit before and a bit after, we like to think about dreams and what we can achieve with the things we actually like to do. We want to do what we WANT to do, not because it makes a lot of money (unless, of course, what you WANT is to be rich) but because we enjoy the work itself, whether mundane or boring or time-consuming or painful or exhausting or whatever. Yes, it exists that the practical rules out over the dreamer (because again, I’d rather be living in a house or somewhere with a roof and not worry about my meals than live on the streets because I wouldn’t accept any job). Still, I’m fortunate to have parents that are well-off, are willing and able to support me through my financial lack, and have the resources to do what I want for the most. I guess what my generation, at least a decent amount of people I know I feel like, commonly struggles with is the dream. What do we dream about doing? What do we want to have in life? What is our focus? What will we enjoy doing for the rest of our life? I should really take my graduation speech from Oxford a little more seriously. One part is what you want to do, one part is what the world needs, and one part is what is good for the world: hopefully your job has a part in all of those.

In any case, post-employment/unemployment has mostly consisted of me semi-researching schools and considering what I want to go back to school for, because I know for sure I want to go back to school. Additionally to that, I’ve talked to a person (and will talk to more) who have followed down one of the paths I am considering. I hope to talk to more on the other path I want to do, but just due to availability (on their part) I haven’t yet. Other than planning where I want to stay the rest of my life (which is a pretty big deal if I say so myself to decide right now), I’ve just been enjoying life. Hanging out with friends who all work (so mostly weekends and nights), sleeping in much too late than I want/need to, somewhat working out and messing up my body balance, going through phases of wanting to eat and not wanting to eat (not in an anorexic way though), and sort of hanging out with family. I really do like schedule and straightforwardness in my life, so I kind of just want to pick up a job, also because I don’t like to see my bank account go negative. And I want my car. My dad patched up my bumper to not look so ghetto fabulous, but I still want a car that I don’t worry about the brakes and has an AUX and less worries on everything overall because its newer and should therefore be more reliable. Hopefully my dad still agrees. But if not, well oh well.

On a side note, my lawyer friend lit a fire under that damn ACCC insurance company’s ass. And I don’t have to pay a penny for the attorney fees. But I’m also still not confirmed for an actual offer because I never got the so-called letter they sent on June 21st or 22nd. But like I said, trying to keep this shorter (not really working), so I will end (also because it’s a pain to figure out how to sit without bothering the darn ankle). I also really need to fix my cursing, it’s gotten so much worse. Ridiculous potty mouth. Get me some soap. I have some other blog post ideas that maybe one day I will write, but until now this will have to do (for any “fans” out there). Or just for myself anyways.


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