Tag Archives: family

When the fun crashes together

Currently jammin’ to: Want You More by Draper

I actually got introduced to Draper at SXSW. It’s surprising that he isn’t more well known, but he was definitely one of the best introductions that I got from SXSW this year. I’m excited to keep hearing great music from him. Half the time I wrote this post I was listening to his music.

I’ve had a thought to update this multiple times before now, and yet I kept telling myself “give yourself some time to think and then talk about it here.” But that time to think never really came, and thus a post wasn’t written either until now, a month plus later (and then some, because I totally started this post almost two weeks ago). It’s funny what you decide to make time for sometimes. I didn’t make enough time for me to even think through recent things occurring in my life, but I had time to catch up on all the Supernatural episodes out there (I watched a couple of seasons) and start White Collar again. Priorities? Or procrastination? Or maybe just avoiding the serious stuff because it’s “less fun” perhaps. That seems somewhat of a likely reason.

In the end, you still gotta face what you may or may not have wanted to face though. I’m sure I’m still holding off on thinking of some things even still, and for now I’m okay with that. But I also may want to wake up just a little bit more to what’s been going on in my life too. Maybe.

FYI, like previously mentioned, I started this post then held off finishing it for almost two weeks, so there’s some disorganization because I didn’t completely scrap what I had previously written, but just decided to add in (like an addendum) the most recent things.

the new things in life, surprise surprise

Since my last post, many things have surprisingly actually happened. The best moment so far? Getting accepted into the University of Dallas’s Masters of Science Communication Disorders program! The worst moment so far? Wrecking my car. And then there’s everything in between and after. It’s been fun, y’all.

Let’s start with getting accepted, because that actually occurred the earliest of recent events since my last post, I think. For the past two years, I’ve been trying to get into a master’s program to become a Speech Language Pathologist (SLP). This is something I was introduced to at the very end of my undergraduate days and it stuck with me ’til even now. I can really only provide a cheesy cliche type of reasoning as to why I want to become one, but in the end it’s the truest of statements. I’ve always enjoyed helping people when I can and listening to their problems to troubleshoot. It’s why I originally went down the psychology path (minus the fact that business just seemed so meh and I didn’t get into Goizuetta anyhow), to eventually become a therapist. Along the way, I discovered the field of linguistics and fell in love with that. My head is always thinking, and I’ve always desired to understand others better, even if unsuccessfully. And language, beautiful language, is argued as the main difference between us humans and other animals. Either way, communication is key to understanding another person, thus knowing how to communicate is incredibly important. With the desire to help others and the passion for language combined, becoming an SLP just seemed like the most ideal job. It didn’t hurt that typical starting base salary was decent and that the job market for it was still growing and in demand. And though I didn’t try to run down that path right away, eventually (aka two years ago) I did decide it was time to truly pursue it. And so I did. And there were failures, like getting rejected from UTD twice, and there were successes, like basically making a 4.0 at UT for my prerequisites and finally being accepted by 3 out of 4 of the masters programs. It took time and dedication, but it finally happened. So starting next Fall, I will be back in Dallas and moving forward in the career I’ve hoped to have.

In addition to my acceptance, other events have transpired within my life that are very much positive. I randomly attended the end of SXSW this year and got some free swag, free food/drinks, and free shows. I met up old friends (S. Chen & Y. Yip) and gained new ones, and also finally went climbing at Austin Bouldering Project. It’s been a place I’ve been “attempting” to go to for a couple of years now, so finally experiencing it (for free) is definitely a highlight. I hope to continue climbing, maybe go some more while I’m in Austin, and even when returning back to Dallas keep up with it. Now that I’ve bought shoes for it, I’m bound to go a few more times. It’d be fun to keep doing, despite the callouses it’s bound to give me.

For a couple weeks in March to April, I was house and dog sitting for a friend who was traveling. These cute little pups were my companions and kept me on a somewhat regular schedule, surprise surprise.


Additionally, my sister (plus one) finally came to visit me in Austin! It was her first time back in Austin in over a few years, if I recall correctly. All we did was eat and pokemon hunt, but it was a great weekend. I got to try Sway out, a Thai restaurant that was highly recommended to me, along with getting $1 oysters and some Gourdoughs. Good food and pokemon hunting is always welcomed, and often a typical sight when I’m hanging with my sister as of now.


Additionally, I finally went on somewhat of a hike in Austin! I’ve been wanting to hike more, especially since Austin has so many available trails and places to go nearby, but I just haven’t found the people to go with. While I could hike by myself, I always considered it a potential safety issue. Plus it’s just not as fun when you’re alone.

360 bridge, hiking, bridge, austin

view of 360 bridge from our hike

And somehow, I’ve found myself living it up much more frequently than I ever would have thought. Each weekend brings a different adventure, whether it’s girls night, a music concert (Bassjackers – also a new intro for me), SXSW, St. Patty’s Day Parade, or just fun times with friends, it’s been a ride. And on this ride, sadly, came a crash.

I’ve been in accidents before, of my own cause and due to others, and I will admit that I am more prone to speeding than going below or at limit when driving, but this has been the worst by far. And still, I am incredibly thankful for 1. not being hurt minus some bruises from the air bags, and 2. not hurting anyone else. Ultimately, combine a winding/curving downhill road, wet pavement/road, close to balding tires, less than 100% mental awareness, possibly a little too much speed and a car with not the best of breaks, and you get hydroplaning into multiple spin outs and curb/trees hits. The result is a ruined back bumper, the right mirror and rear light missing, some auto body damage, deployed side airbags on both sides, and a broken left rear spring/axle of a car. The good part, besides no one getting hurt, was that I had already exited for my apartment and was somehow able to drive my car to my apartment which was about a mile away. In some incredible feat, given the state of my car (can we go back to the fact that my car’s left rear was literally sitting on my tire due to the axle being broken?) and my mental mind, I managed to reverse park my car at my apartment complex. The car itself, minus the body damage, actually runs fine since the front wasn’t damaged (aside from the right mirror). Considering how much it would cost to repair an axle/spring, replace the airbags, get a new bumper/mirror/light, and everything else though, ultimately what was likely to happen is that we sell the car for someone to scrap for parts or fix up themselves. Fortunately, my cousin has lots of car connections and a friend of his bought the car as is and towed it away to be fixed up with his own car repair connections. Of course, I still needed a car to get to work, especially given how I was commuting from my friend’s house while I still dog sit, so my dad graciously drove the car my sister’s been using (which is my brother’s old car) down to me. And now, I’m back in the white Toyota car family again.

car crash, altima coupe, crash, towing, towed

my car being towed away to be forever gone but fixed for another

Lessons learned, but really

I’m not gonna lie, I somehow handled the whole crashing my car and airbags deploying a lot better than I thought I would. I don’t know the exact reasons as to why it didn’t shake me as much as it should’ve. Maybe I’ve somehow rationalized to myself that more of the situation was out of my hands to create the perfect storm than I care to claim responsibility for. Either way, the thing I ultimately felt most upset about was the financial burden it has created upon myself and my parents. As someone who has been in school and working part-time (heavy inflection on the part) for the past year, I’ve relied heavily upon my parents for financial assistance. Now that I’m continuing to a Master’s, my financial capabilities for the next two years are going to stay pretty limited still. I am well aware of many of the financial burdens my parents currently face, both from me and due to other situations in their lives, and to know I have contributed to it in this way really riddles me with guilt and shame. Does this mean I won’t ever speed again? Sadly, probably not. I know myself well enough to not be able to make that promise. Will I be more careful about my driving? I would hope so, and I think I am already being a bit more careful. One thing that definitely was reinforced was my preference to not drive. While I am never one to shy away from meeting with friends despite a far distance (hello living in Arlington and having friends in Plano), I still prefer to catch a ride.

There is, of course, some considerations for re-evaluating my life choices right now. Recently, as previously stated, I’ve been fairly active and frequently in some sort of compromised state of mind, albeit usually nothing too crazy. Mental capacities aside, the expenditures I’ve continued to collect definitely continue to burn a hole in pants that seem close to combustion. To be fair, they could (and probably should) be a lot worse given how active I’ve been, but in the end that slow fire is becoming a blaze. It might be time to be more of a homebody. I can’t say this will definitely happen, as I already considered making plans to attend Euphoria this weekend (which I did, more on that later) even though two weeks ago I had no intentions of it. I still plan to be adventurous and experience new things that inherently are risky, because I still believe in living my life to the fullest and cause I like to try new things, but maybe I’ll take it a bit slower. Maybe I’ll forsake some plans with friends so that I’m more responsible to myself and to my parents. Maybe I’ll take on another job or get a new one over the summer.

Or maybe not. I really don’t know. I want to be a better person, I want to make the right choices, but I also want to enjoy my life. I don’t want to keep feeling like a black hole of burden to my parents, who have always provided me more than I can ever hope for and now seem so much older in a scary way. I want to be able to provide them with the luxury of life’s greatest comforts and sights. I want to be able to proudly know I am independently supporting myself while servicing others who are in need. I want to make my own ice cream and eat it too (because I don’t really like cake, and it’s more fun when you do it yourself than buy it from someone else). And so the selfish side battles the responsible side, both of which win different battles and create who I am. Is it your actions that are important or your intentions? I think both: intentions only go so far, but actions made of the wrong intentions can still be just as harmful.

These thoughts these days

To no surprise, I’ve been thinking a lot like always. Or really, I should say I have had a lot of various thoughts come to mind. But actual thinking time has been a bit more minimal than it probably should. I actually wrote a couple of paragraphs on one of these thoughts already but decided to delete them and not bring them back up. It’s a debate I don’t really have interest in speculating  more about, so to bring it up in my post seems irrelevant.

I’ve recently found myself engaging in things I had previously stated were unlikely or even outright refusing to do. And yet there I was, doing what I said I wouldn’t do, and being okay with it. I don’t want to call myself a hypocrite, but ultimately it does seem quite like that in some of the situations. Granted, I’m not one to truly say never to things, but the fact that I feel like I keep eating my own words is definitely making me consider why my acceptance values or actions have changed.

Recently, I’ve found myself engaging in more casual relationships. I’ve never been against them, to be fair, but I did speculate with a friend on it not too long ago about why I’ve never had one before. The words I said then are still true, and yet still I engaged in what I said was unlikely to happen. If I were to put it in a positive light, I could say I just hadn’t found the right scenario to allow these things to occur until now.

In a separate situation, I found myself offered certain recreational drugs that I had told myself I would never try, but then found myself contemplating to try. I actually didn’t part take in said drugs, but the fact that I definitely considered it kind of shocked me. Here I was, stating with a clear mind my strong refusal to ever trying them, and then there I was, under the influence, truly considering trying them out. Again, I do know that I’ve always been open to trying things, and I was also already mentally compromised in some way, but still. It just makes me wonder how easily I might give up some of my values and choose to do the exact opposite if the right conditions are set. Scary.

I meant to talk more in-depth on my thoughts, but it seems today is not much of a contemplation sort of day for me. Instead, I’ll continue with the even more recent updates since when I first began this post. I may add in some thoughts below though.

Fun, friends, and family

As previously mentioned, I ended up going to Euphoria (first time!) a couple weekends ago. It was an absolute blast with incredibly chill vibes and amazing people and music. I wouldn’t have considered it were it not for the fact that my friend had incredibly discounted VIP 3 day camping passes due to investing in the event. Additionally, they really set it up for success. Euphoria offered free shuttle rides from UT and downtown Austin to and from the grounds with Bus to Show (BTS) which, despite mass pandemonium to get home Saturday night, is an awesome and brilliant inclusion. To me, it shows they care about our safety more than they care about their pockets or judgement. If we truly cared about saving lives, we should offer safe alternatives rather than just outright rejection or punishment. Words true to things beyond just free rides, such as to abortions, but that’s a bit too serious for this right now.

Wiz Khalifa, Wiz, Euphoria, Euphoria 2017, music festival

Wiz was at Euphoria. if I didn’t seen him at Emory years back, I saw him now :)

In any case, I never did end up camping there simply because I was still dog sitting at the time, so I couldn’t, but it was definitely a great experience. One that I hope to be able to attend again. During my time there, I met new friends and even met with someone I hadn’t seen in almost a decade, I went back stage, found some new artists with great music, indulged too much in some overpriced but delicious food, and floated away in the clouds whilst dancing. It was definitely a great time without doing too much either, and I am incredibly grateful in having been able to part take in it.

This past weekend, I had a much calmer weekend compared to others. I finally went home for the first time in a month. Considering that I usually go back every other weekend, it was amazing I went 4 weekends in a row without going back. That was mostly due to the dog sitting though, but still. For this weekend, it was mostly about family. I spent some time with my sister Pokemon hunting and taking advantage of the Easter specials they were having. I played therapist to some issues at home. I unintentionally came back for my nephew’s birthday and sort of celebrated with him. I played some volleyball with friends, at one point sober and at another not so much. And I watched a bit of Netflix. I’ve learned I’m really bad at starting new things (shows, etc) frequently. I just go to what I already know I like even if I’ve already seen it a few times, despite a growing list of things I do want to watch or recommended stuff. It’s the same with manga and sometimes books. It’s not to say I won’t ever try them out, but it’s as if I have to be in the right kind of mood or situation to finally give it a shot. And it seems somewhat random when it does happen. Anyways.

birthdays, nephew, six years old, celebrations, cake

my youngest nephew turned six!

It was a nice weekend. Some packing was done as my moving date and such has been finalized. I have one or two weekends left living in Austin, this weekend being one of them. My only other one is actually Mother’s day weekend, which I didn’t realize, so this weekend may actually end up being my last weekend being in Austin. I had hoped to go to Hamilton Pool that weekend, but that may have to be done another time.

I forget to mention, but I am actually taking an online Biology course that has been going relatively well. I definitely don’t have to try too hard for it, which is a wonderful plus for me. Even though I’m not working (at my job) as much as I’d like to and technically shouldn’t have all that much to deal with, I’m still glad I don’t have to devote too much time and energy to this class to get a decent grade. Hopefully that continues for the next few weeks. It definitely is kind of annoying that the tests are always on weekends, but at least I can usually take them quickly.

Oh, and another thing that happened was me cutting my hair. I decided to cut off 19+ inches of hair. Well actually, I decided on 19 inches to sell/donate, and then my sister consequently cut off a lot more later for styling (which ended up being finished by her teacher). Long story short, I now have an asymmetrical bob of a haircut. Haven’t had this short of hair since undergrad… and changing from hair down past my waist to barely touching my shoulders is a definite difference. But I’m totally enjoying it. Anyways!

snapchat, haircut, asymmetrical haircut, filtered photos

apparently I haven’t saved many pics of myself with my haircut, so this snap will have to do

Things to look forward to besides getting a lot of new music:

-Middlelands! It’s happening pretty quickly. I’m super excited.
-visiting Hamilton Pool
-seeing old undergraduate friends (both in Atlanta and those who come to Texas)
-finally trying Franklins BBQ for the first time (already pre-ordered :D)
-seeing lots of friends
-playing volleyball more
-climbing more

How much of this will actually happen? Who knows. Right now it looks like all of it should happen, but you never know what will really happen until it does. I’ll try to give a music update at some point, but I may wait until after Middlelands, or do one for Euphoria/SXSW/etc first. In any case, this post has gone on long enough and probably has become even more disorganized. For those of y’all who stuck around to actually read all of this, I hope you found it somewhat entertaining or enlightening.

Have a great day!

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the internet and advice

Currently jammin’ to:

In some ways, I’m not quite sure what I want to say in this blog post, however I feel that I should still write something as I attempt to somewhat consistently write again in here. Quick apologies if this is lots of stream of consciousness and ramblings. My thoughts are not currently as focused or well-formed as I would hope them to be, but I will try on anyways!

Life snapchats

To highlight some new developments in life, I recently began working with autistic children again at a therapy place in Austin. The style is slightly different, with a more natural-play strategy to ABA as opposed to the DTT ABA style that I was used to at my previous ABA therapy office in Irving. Still, the rewards and changes are visible and the difficulty is still sometimes there. Additionally, this office requires its workers to be RBT (registered behavior technician) certified (a $600 test) and pays for you to complete it. So in addition to my work, my summer school, and my two labs, I am also working to become RBT certified at my own free time (but still slightly scheduled). Hooray for keeping busy! Let’s just hope I don’t overwork myself.

My 4th of July plans went a bit awry due to some unfortunate circumstances, so I ended up back in Dallas doing bits and sorts with various people as opposed to my highly nature-based plans that I originally had. Still, I got to see some old friends and hang out with some new ones, play a little volleyball, sing a little karaoke, and spend a bit of time with some family. All in all, a fun time.

Previous to the 4th of July weekend, I took a trip to Waco with some friends to the BSR Cable Water Park to go down a huge slide. Ultimately, we ended up looping the lazy river three times with most of our party getting trashed and only went down the slide (for me) once and not even The Royal Flush (or the bigger one) which is the “famous” one. I was fine with it considering how painful it was hitting the water after the slide and how long you had to wait for the steepest slide, but all-in-all a great trip with friends. After some food, we also got a tour of a cabbage factory/farm that a friend was growing. Despite the fact that it seems strange we were touring a cabbage farm/factory, it was, in fact, pretty interesting to learn about the cultivation that goes into it and its potential economical abilities. After some chilling, a long drive with a mini sleep break occurred + some Carl’s Junior. I can definitely say that I did not expect such a long day at Waco, but I definitely had a grand time.

Here’s a video of some of footage we got:

Outside of these events, life just happened. Some ups, some downs, some unexpected and some expected.

So punny

snapchat toast filter

snapchat toast filter :)

In lieu of my last headline, I made my featured picture one of my snapchat filter pictures. Apparently, this filter may be based off some video of cats having bread face pictures? I was only informed of this after I sent off my picture, but either way I find it hilarious. Within the last year, I’ve really enjoyed using the snapchat filters for its silly and randomness. It’s a little vain in some ways being so self-centered with multiple selfies, but mostly I just find it fun. A silly way of posing and sending off to friends/family. Maybe it’s my natural silly nature taking over, but I have quite enjoyed Snapchat filters and all its glories. I considered making a youtube video compiling some of my filtered photos (because why not be more vain, right?) just because I find them hilarious and think others might too. Who knows though, I’m not much of a YouTuber, so we’ll see if that ever happens.

On a somewhat related note, other thoughts of YouTube video making includes making review/rating videos for food/restaurants. As some of my friends like to consider me a foodie (I don’t call myself one, though I admit I like trying new food places when I can), it’s been recommended that I either 1) stream me eating food or 2) make videos reviewing places I’ve gone to with pictures of the food. While streaming videos of me eating seem a bit strange (despite the growing popularity in it), I did find some interest in video reviewing as I do like to try and review restaurants on Yelp if I find some time. I learn of new places from other people and check reviews to deem a place more or less worthy of attempting, so sharing my experience seems like “giving back” in a sense to the things that guide me to my decisions to food. Some more consideration to be given, especially since I have no idea how I would really get this together and I don’t know if I really eat out enough for this right now (at least to new places). We’ll see.

family love

I will never be able to express enough gratitude and appreciation to my family. I probably don’t even feel enough gratitude to them on a daily basis as I should, but when I do reach some sort of random aha moment of appreciation, I want to make note of it however I can. I have never considered my family super tight knit. My siblings and I generally live fairly independent of each other, and this was especially apparent when we were all still living under the same roof. We just did not always see each other or make much time to try. Perhaps that’s part of being young, exploring elsewhere, and perhaps its just the differences we have in our lives. My siblings and I are all four years or so apart from one another, so my eldest sibling is 8 years older than I and my second sibling is 4 years older than I. And while I do try to visit my parents and siblings every other weekend or so when I am available in town, I actually find this to be a more recent thing now that I’ve moved further from home again. Ultimately, despite sometimes lacking much involvement in each others lives, the one thing that constantly rings true is that we are always there for one another, whether just because we’re bored and looking for something to do, or if we truly need one another for something more serious. This is something I did not frequently make use of until recent years except outside of electronic or car issues (because that basically is all decision made through my brother). In recent years though, I’ve actually been able to really listen and receive advice from my siblings. They’ve provided me with comfort and safety of someone I can always rely upon. As I’ve gotten older, it seems harder to find this in others. Priorities, pride, and a bunch of other things just often get in the way of feeling like I’m truly able to rely on someone else. But with family, even though they may not always be my first choice, I have found time and time again that I can always rely upon them. And for that I am forever grateful. I doubt my siblings will read this post, but if by some chance they do, or my mother does and reiterates this part to them, I hope my siblings and parents both know I am forever grateful for the life I have been blessed with and for the bond I share with them. :) <3

the internet and advice

In recent times, I often google things that I want to find out about. I’m pretty sure a lot of people do this, since searching on the web often provides some credible sources that can shed light to problems we have without having to go through the tedious and possibly expensive process of finding a professional that could help us. Additionally, there are often memes or just picturesque images filled with sayings, advice, and quotes that often fill my Facebook stream.

Sometimes when I search or read these things, it helps bring me some peace or helps me reconfirm my own beliefs. There are times it brings better clarify to a subject I’m unfamiliar with, but ultimately when I search or read these things, I feel that I am just providing more verification to what I already decided. I think this goes back to some fundamental parts of myself, that I want to know others feel the same way that I do or experience the same troubles I am. I want to feel like I am not the only one. I want validation in my emotions or my thoughts, that it’s not whack or outrageous.Validation: something I wish I didn’t really need, but humanely I think we all seek validation from time to time. I want to know I’m not being irrational, that I’m not being too emotional driven or too crazy, that my thought process is natural or normal, that things like this often occur and aren’t signs of something much worse, or whatever it is that I want confirmation in. Validation, the feeling that you are not wrong. I don’t like to be wrong, because I always want to do right the best I can.

But ultimately, I really question how right or wrong things are. I realized at some point, that sometimes the advice I read that really resonated with me when I first read it, didn’t make as much sense later on. There were also times that I felt the words I read or advice or quote I read made absolute sense, a truth of some sort, but later felt like that wasn’t always quite the right case. It’s tough, am I finding advice that I want to hear, or ones that actually lead me down the right path? I do feel that I give myself a clear head when making important decisions so long as I’m not feeling highly emotional at the time. I don’t think most of the things or decisions I’ve made in life have been wrong, but I do feel that there are times I read advice and feel “wow, it’s so true! I do feel like this is the right path to take” and then possibly days later I question if that really is the right kind of idea to take. Ultimately, what changed wasn’t the words that were said or read, but how I felt about a situation or about life then. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe some times advice for one way is good in these circumstances or with this mindset, but not really the right path if you’re feeling a different way about it later. There is probably rarely only one “right” path, and circumstances will always cause different paths to be made.

In any case, I have some more thoughts on this idea but I feel that I am running in circles about it. So with that understanding, I end this post just to wish everyone the best of days. Hope you had a lovely weekend.

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Why blog and marriage?

You know, when I started this blog, I thought of what it would be for me. Was it a diary? Was it a reflection of my events that I could later look back at? Was it open space for me to creatively or not creatively regurgitate my thoughts out? Was it a ranting space? What did I want this blog to be? Because yes, I decided to make it public so that anyone, family, friends, strangers, whoever, could see and judge and take something, if they liked, away from it. And yet I am a very personal person. I struggle still daily to be more open to others. Recently I’ve learned that maybe being open and upfront about everything, what I’ve been trying to do to my friends and family when I have problems, isn’t always the best method. I had been very good at shying away my real feelings to others in the past, too good that I (and others) never felt I let others in. And so, I tried to change that about myself, so that I could be more emotional and truly connect to others. As of late, I’ve found that opening myself up too much can apparently also not be good either. Not just for me, but for the other person too. I guess I can’t give myself up too much either.

What poses my problem here is where that line gets defined again. This is public space, for anyone to read, and while obviously I want to be open to everyone, I still feel very vulnerable and very hesitant to openly express my fears or disturbances that occur in my life. I know life isn’t just full of happiness, you get some sadness and anger and everything with spice. That’s what makes it so great (and so annoying), isn’t it? And of course, when I look back (assuming my blog is more reflective, which is what I did intend it to be) I want to see the happy things, not the angry things or the sad things. But then, I feel this is not accurate. I didn’t live life as if nothing bad happened to me. I had tears, I had anger, and I had emotions that swelled in me beyond what I could ever write down into words. And I don’t want those to be discounted or left out, because those struggles are ultimately what led me here in the first place.

If this was just a private for me blog, this would be easy. A diary for just me to read. How perfect. I could insinuate ridiculous things and be open to myself in my own arguments with myself with little reason to fear what might come from it. Unfortunately, I wanted to include others. And not just others, but friends, family, people I actually know. It’s not the strangers that read my blog that make me hesitate and vulnerable, its the people I know who read it that make me question my openness. The people I care about, those who I will have to see and interact with later after they’ve made a new judgment on me based on what I wrote (whether good or bad). Who cares what someone I don’t know says, I have little to no care or concern for them. But my friends, my family? They matter to me. And to open myself to them so publicly without filtering for each individual… That’s scary.

Memory is a fickle thing, and we sometimes truly believe we remember correctly when we actually don’t. I hate to be wrong, which is why I try to always be correct in my account of things. Part of that is why I started a public/private blog, to account for myself not based on a distant memory I pulled up, but from close writings to when an event or things happened. I don’t know, or I should say I am still hesitant, that I will write about the negative things that occur to me on the spot, despite its therapeutic effects and potential accuracy for future me. Mostly because it could affect more than just me, and I don’t want to provide information about others that they themselves may not have been willing to share. At the same time, I guess it’s still just as rightly valid for me to share it since its my experience as well. Still, I will probably err to say only what belongs just to me.

What can I conclude from this? Well, I hoped writing it out would let me decide better, but I think it will just be a blog by blog basis. Sometimes I may be more personal and include more daily/current events in my life. Sometimes, I might just blog about random things. I guess we will just have to see and if things happen poorly or for the better, I’ll take it as it comes.

Here’s a personal story:

My mother’s family has all adopted texting on LINE. My 80 year old grandpa (and grandma) along with uncles, aunts, and cousins all group chat and keep each other updated, in a way, with one another’s life. I haven’t seen my grandparents in over a year now, but they are the figurehead picture for the group (for obvious reasons). When I look at that picture, and I look at the family and branching families they’ve created, it makes me realize what kind of family goals I want to have. As a granddaughter who comes from America and doesn’t speak the best Mandarin Chinese, I never felt the strictness my mother (and her siblings) felt from my grandfather/grandparents. To me, my grandfather was a very successful businessman, heavy chain smoker since he was young, and often rather silly with me. I realized, as I grew up, that he and my grandmother, who was a government official, obviously had their woes and fights (as they may even still do now), but yet despite their age and health, the pictures I see of them are amazing. Maybe it’s just picturesque to me, but their love seems to seep through their eyes.

When I see that kind of love, I want that kind of love. It may sometimes come as a surprise to some, or maybe not I don’t know, that if anyone were to ever ask what my dream is to be in the future, I would say something along the lines of successful in a career I love and married with kids. Successful in a career I love is a pretty vague answer, but married with kids is a relatively specific goal. For some these days, marriage sounds like an old tradition, one that isn’t upheld with much merit anymore. And logically, I can see where people say this. Divorce rates are much higher than they’ve ever been, and yes, you don’t have to be married to someone to want or plan to spend the rest of your life with them, you can just do it without the license. But maybe it’s the Disney fairy tales spun throughout my life talking, or maybe it’s just because I still value what marriage means (well, what I think marriage means): commitment, union and love. Despite its potentially unrealistic thought process for marriage, commitment is probably the most difficult thing about marriage (now a days). Love can be there even when you hurt someone, when you cheat on them or you find yourself trying to stay away from them. Commitment is a solid line. It’s boundaries are very clear (for the most). To commit to someone is to have only that one person, regardless. That line does not change (or at the least, rarely). Union, on the other hand, is a give and take that can be defined in many ways and may even change from time to time. Two people aren’t suppose to equal one, and yet marriage tries to unite two into one. I don’t think it’s wrong, after all two individuals who commit to one another must also sacrifice for each other, both parts of themselves along with other parts of their lives, but it is also a delicate balance to not sacrifice too much of yourself into the union. I think to be healthy, you still have to be part of yourself, but if you don’t sacrifice enough, then the union won’t work either. Sometimes you have to sacrifice more than you expected or wanted to, and then sometimes you don’t have to do as much. It changes, and it varies on the situation and the way things work and the person you’re with, but it’s always a choice to make and draw that line. Love, however, is not something you can exactly choose. Sometimes you love someone when you don’t want to, and sometimes you want to love someone but you don’t. The only choice in love is to let yourself let it happen on its own. You may have the choice to make more opportunity to love, but it will never guarantee the love. Likewise, you can sometimes reject all attempts at love too, but love can exist regardless of your choice or denial of it too. Love, however, I think is very important to a marriage. You can have union and commitment without love in a marriage, yes, but it is much more difficult. And what point is there to commitment and sacrifice/union without love? Sometimes it’s still good to keep a marriage despite lack of love, but to me those marriages are there not for the true sake of marriage, but for some other sake. Maybe for kids, maybe for financial reasons, who knows. A loveless marriage just doesn’t seem like much of a marriage, just a binding to someone that you do for the sake of maybe something better, or maybe something worse.

With each of these, I believe a marriage can work. Sacrifice and compromise must unionize two individuals in order to have love support their commitment in marriage. Writing it out, it sounds incredible anyone manages to find the right balance to them all. And yet, when I look at my grandparents interact with one another, and their beautiful pictures together, I believe. I hope. I dream.

love sakura japan

Grandparents in Japan, 2016.

I started this out with one train of thought in mind, and ultimately it became a slightly different train of thought. It was suppose to be a little more personal, but in the end it became a little less. If it reads weird or flows strange, that’s why. My bad, but then again I’m pretty sure all of my blog posts are kind of one train of thought jumping to another and another. Either way, hope this finds you well. Have a nice day!

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Enjoy your life :)

There’s always more than one song that I’m currently jammin’ to, and it was hard to really choose one that I wanted to put on this post because I feel like I’m really enjoying a few songs for different reasons, but I think the one I choose to “feature” as my current jam is Turn It Down [Kaskade Ice Mix] by Kaskade (this is not to be confused with the original version, which is also good! but I like the Ice Mix version more). It has one very, very well placed drop which always captivates me when I hear it. It’s just amazing, even though there are plenty of songs that have dope drops, this one is just resonating with me really well right now. And though the lyrics are a bit less flowing if considered as is, it still somewhat connects with my current life right now too. Not as much as some of the other songs (which I’ll probably mention in this post later), but somehow it does connect with my life. :) Overall, it’s just well mixed together is what I’m saying, and I really connect with it so maybe you will too. Or maybe not haha.

I started this blog yesterday and had written a bit, but somehow I often feel a disconnect from one day to the next, at least in my blog writing, which causes me to want to completely erase and start over even though all the things I wrote yesterday were still sincere and true. I guess somehow I end up feeling dissatisfied with what I wrote or how I wrote it, or because I have different thoughts the day after I just want to focus on other things. I don’t really know, but if this post seems pretty scattered or lacks flow, it might be because it’s actually two posts combined into one. Or because I’m not actually good at writing. Either one could be the case. (And maybe some other reasoning could be it too, but anyways…)

There have been a few things on my mind recently and a lot of things going on in my life. For one, I’ve just been really social. I don’t exactly know why or how things always decide to plan themselves at the same time, but it’s for real been a really busy time for me and it can’t just be because it’s summer though I’m sure that is part of the reason. The last time I didn’t do anything with anyone after work/weekend or whatever was I know at least two weeks ago, but it could have been earlier? Yeah, just been having a busy week or two meeting up with people. Fortunately, despite all the lack of sleep, I’ve been able to keep up with the social demands I put upon myself. Plus I have Thursday and Friday off from work! So I guess I get to sleep in and catch up on things that need to be taken care of around the house before my mom comes back or something. :) Well, somewhat anyways, I do already have plans both those days sort of… Anyways!

One of the thoughts that recently came through my head, one part because I read a post recently related to the topic and because it sort of became relevant in a way to my life as well as of late, is about family and how they’re always and forever basically. Not to sound extra cliche, but well… they are. I know my family members are all fairly independent. We all sort of do our own thing most of the time, and sometime we come together and hang out but generally we’re off in our own worlds, with our own friends, at our own pace doing what we want to do. Sometimes I feel bad about it, because I want to be a close family (given that I want my future family to be like that) and everything like we perhaps once were when I was much younger, but ultimately I also think it’s just not really possible for us anymore, we’re too old and we live too separate of lives. Despite living with my brother and sister for a fair amount of my life, as my brother moved back into the house after graduating from UT, my sister never really leaving except for boarding school, and I also coming back home after college, you would think that a family that still completely lived together would be together a bit more. But I remember in high school my sister didn’t realize I got a haircut until days later when she saw me at work, even though we lived together. It’s things like this which makes me realize yeah, we’re family but we are very much our own independent selves, related by blood but not necessarily close.

This, of course, is not a completely bad thing. If anything it seems sort of natural, especially as my brother now has a wife and is moved out into their own home, my parents are somewhat separated as my dad works in Taiwan (though my mom is currently still there), and what not. My sister is in a different life necessity than I am (she has two kids and is getting old d= but really), and I’m still somewhat fresh out of college, thinking about going back into school again, not sure what exactly I’m wanting to do with my life. Honestly, I have never found our independence from one another to be bad, I just found our lack of closeness to be something worth trying for more than we perhaps do. I don’t turn to my family first when I have problems, I turn to my friends and what not. Maybe most people do that? I don’t know, I always thought you would turn to your parents or lean on your siblings to give you some good advice, especially if they’re the older ones. Sure, I’d ask my brother for computer or car advice/knowledge, and I know my sister has plenty of connections and knowledge about food/alcohol and what not, but real life problems dealing with situations or friends or whatever, well I’m the baby so why they would turn to me, at least my brother, would be a bit strange, but the point remains that I just felt like the good, close, or perhaps normal family would turn to one another for advice and help. However, recently I made some mistakes and didn’t know who to turn to, and ended up confiding in my sister about it. I didn’t really know what kind of advice she would give me given her crazy relationships, but surprisingly she really gave me the right advice that made me make the right decision. It was a too late kind of decision, but still the right one given what already transpired. After that additionally we were able to kind of talk about our problems to one another a few days later as well. A long time ago, when I was young and my sister much more emotional and immature than she is now, I used to be afraid of her. Now I don’t fear her nor have I ever really felt a strong sisterly or whatever bond, but there are times when you just know you’re sisters despite the lack of closeness you normally don’t have. It’s hard to really describe, but despite the things she does that I don’t agree with and the things I wish she didn’t do or don’t appreciate that she does, I still know I’m always going to love her despite the flaws, that I’ll never give up on her, that I’ll always stand by her, even if just to criticize her actions and hope she changes them. Because I’m always going to want her to be happy and hope she causes happiness to those around her too, even if sometimes I wish she would stop putting so much stress on our mom or something. Family is some sort of invisible bond that you think doesn’t really exist, but really does if you let yourself see it. Or at least for me that’s how it is. I may never fully have the close family that I imagine and am hopeful for with my parents and siblings, but I will also never be able to leave them be or not care for them. It used to scare me if I would have such feelings (of not caring for the ones I should love), but I think I have learned that I do love them, even if I don’t necessarily feel its strength often.

As for other news and thoughts, it’s been a long past week and a half or two. I’ve been keeping fairly busy/social, meeting with people and catching up or getting to know them. It’s caused me to not have all that much me time, and as an introvert I’ll eventually have to hole myself up probably. I guess I’m still running off all that me time I got while binge-ing on TV shows for a whole week plus, and though I’m not starting to feel like I actually need to recluse myself into my home and not see anyone for a little bit, I am sort of considering it. I guess the main thing is that my almost extrovert side is coming out to play and live life. I’ve started trying to consistently rock climb, buying a month pass and hoping to go at least twice a week to make it worth the money I paid, additionally I’m putting myself out there and doing new activities, such as going on a date with someone I randomly met to a baseball game (granted it was more about the celebrities and cause as it was Dirk’s celebrity baseball game, but you get the point), and I’ve been out drinking a few more times with friends as well, something I did not frequently do. That is mostly because I keep telling myself that some of these people are leaving in a week or in two weeks or three weeks (depending what week it was that we decided to hang out) and therefore I should put the effort to see them before they leave. Yeah, that keeps me motivated to go out and do it even if I’m not keen on drinking that night. Or if it’s someone’s birthday celebration, or if I ditched them once already, or if I just want to see/hang out with someone. At the same time I’m also trying to take care of things, going car shopping with my brother, rock climbing acting both as a social activity as well as a work out, etc. It’s caused me to have a few less than healthy sleeping nights as well as a somewhat unsteady sleep schedule, but I don’t know, I guess at the moment I wouldn’t really trade it in to be a complete homebody again. Not saying I don’t want my homebody time or my sleep time, goodness I do want those things, but I also am still willing to sacrifice them if someone asks me to hang out more than likely. I guess my thought is, I’m just living what life gives me? And I could just keep to myself, but I feel as though life is more than just me so I should interact with others when I can. I’ll get to be with just myself plenty somewhere down the path eventually.

Other news… I’m not really sure how it happened, maybe because I upped my exercise activities or the frequency that I do it? Either way, my appetite has recently decreased to a somewhat sad level. I mostly eat about one and a half meals a day. I mean in one part it occurred because I wanted to cut down on my food expenses per month, so I tried to not buy out lunch as much, but also because I didn’t prepare food the night before or before I left for work, I just didn’t bring lunch and thus didn’t bother to eat. Instead I’d eat something while here that could possibly pass more for the breakfast I also skipped, like a bowl of cereal or something. This goes for weekends too though, when I’m at home. Even if I wake up in time for lunch or dinner (which actually, I generally have), I don’t really bother to eat until mid afternoon or evening… I’m not trying to be anorexic or anything, I am trying to decrease my eating but not to the point that I only eat one meal a day. And yeah, I guess I don’t completely see it as a problem yet thus I’m not forcing myself to also eat lunch since I still try to eat healthy and some proper nutrients every day. Because I don’t really see it as a big deal yet, it’s not causing me to actually be unhealthy, and most importantly because I don’t have motivation to actually eat more than I currently am, I choose not to. Sometimes my stomach will maybe feel empty? Well no, not even that. My stomach doesn’t even necessarily feel hungry to me, I don’t get hunger pains. I can tell that it’s empty, but I don’t feel it as empty or feel any sort of pain of not having eaten (this occurred from the get go, not something that has developed as I cut down my food consumption). At least not all or perhaps not even most of the time. And then I don’t feel a want to do the action of eating, which is often what used to cause me to snack a lot. This is the serious root of my lack of motivation. I don’t feel like wanting to eat, so I won’t. And I’m okay with that, even if I do sometimes feel a slight tinge of “hey, feed me” coming from my stomach. I can ignore it because I feel “eh, I don’t really want to put food in my mouth, that doesn’t really sound like something I want to do” or whatever. Right now, out of duty to being healthy and knowing that I need to eat more, I attempt to at least eat some sort of breakfast or a little more. I don’t have enough motivation to eat lunch especially when I have to go out and buy it (though craving something might cause me to go buy it, as I’ve recently been craving Cane’s), but I do at least make sure I eat a real meal one a day. And hopefully some fruit and some vegetables. Usually those are actually included somewhere… I’ve been pretty decent at making sure that happens, especially if I’m the one preparing it. If I’m not and I’m out eating, it becomes a little more difficult to plan for since I’ll want to eat particular things that may not always have those things included. Oh well, it’s helping me lower my weight. Or well, I don’t know if my weight is really lowering anymore, but my body fast has lowered by a few percent now, which is actually more preferable since my weight mostly went up due to muscle. I do wish I were a bit slimmer in certain areas, but given that I’m rock climbing and not actually concentrating on where I want slimmer or more toned, I’m not sure that I’ll necessarily get the results I would hope to get. And that makes sense, since I’m not actually trying to make those areas slimmer through my exercising. My only concern with this is that once I do start eating two meals again, am I just going to gain all that weight back or something since I either became used to not eating it or something? It’s one of the sort of criticisms I think about for diet plans. Unless you plan to stick with it forever or completely cut out certain foods in your life for good, more than likely if you go back to those foods you’ll regain back the weight you lost I feel like. I mean of course it’s not guaranteed, and sometimes it was more about controlling the amount you ate of those foods, and perhaps if you upped your exercise and returned to eating them it would counter each other, but just cutting certain foods outs without doing so for the long haul only seems like a temporary fitness. Will me not eating as many as normally should be meals be the same? I’m not sure yet, I think I could probably transfer it to a healthier eating habit, consistently work out, and be okay until my metabolism has significantly failed me when I’m super old, but who knows. I guess time will tell, until then though I’m gonna do what I want. I miss eating everything though. I don’t oppose eating unhealthy things, I just don’t really get undesirable cravings for them anymore. Like soda.

Anyhow, I think I ended up cutting out most all all the stuff I wrote yesterday. It was somewhat related to things I said above, but perhaps with more or less detail or perhaps with a different focus. I guess this is the focus I want to take away with for today, and since I’d rather finish now then have to rewrite again later, I’ll end this with one last part that was a part of yesterday’s initial post.

Crazy Beautiful Life

Okay, so I’m not a Ke$ha fan, both for music and for the person based on her reputation, but I actually really like her Crazy Beautiful Life song. I’ll admit, it’s not super amazing or meaningful in lyrics or music; it doesn’t blow my mind away and when I listen to it I don’t actually agree with her intentions of the lyrics she provided kinda. It is, however, catchy, and the overarching general idea it sends is something I can resonate well with, at least right now. Mostly I see it as “live life and enjoy it for all its ups and downs.” Enjoy life, even though her version of enjoying life doesn’t actually match up to my version, the message is still there, and in my current mental state I guess I’m just trying to enjoy what life gives me. Eventually I’ll have to start focusing on particular things life provides me and closing some doors in order to really foster and develop them into something even more amazing further, but at the moment I’m exploring, I’m see what’s out there and I’m just trying things out. Like I said, I don’t agree with the actual lyrics completely, but I do believe that life should be lived for with what it has and meaning should be found in the activities that you decide to do. Whether those activities she talks about in the songs constitutes as “real” or meaningful to me, well it doesn’t but regardless the overall idea I still resonate with. :) One thing also I feel like I must add: to me she has a terribly dirty girl reputation, but maybe because I don’t really listen or pay attention to famous people gossip, I don’t actually know of many or any dramatic occurrences from her. I don’t really hear about all the guys she’s dated or hooked up with, or anything. Maybe because she already gave herself that reputation, or ’cause I live under a rock in terms of that kind of gossip, or because she doesn’t actually do any of it? No idea, but I guess my bias towards her is just based purely on her lyrics/reputation. Oops haha.

Anyhow, enjoy life guys. You only get one, and time never does move backwards. :)


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