Tag Archives: love

Dear Winni,

This post is dedicated to a long time friend of mine who passed away recently. May you be at peace Winni. <3

Current song: Be Still by The Fray

Not actually my most favorite jam right now, but seemingly the most appropriate.

Funerals suck

I can honestly say I’ve lived a blessed life so far. With parents and family that have always provided me with love and support as best they could, with fortunes of good health and few to zero accidents, and with a community and groups of friends who have helped shaped me into who I am today.  It’s not to say I’ve never had any difficulties nor come across them in my life, but my life, partly by my choice and by circumstance, has been a lucky one. It’s been one I’ve managed to positively hold on to even during its darkest moments. And there have definitely been moments.

But one thing I’ve fortunately not had to deal with very often is death of someone close to me. The first and last funeral I attended was for a family friend with my parents back in elementary school. I can’t even tell you who the person was anymore, but I do recall bits of the venue and how my parents were back then. I’ve dealt with death of others I’ve known since then, such as a friend’s father passing away or one of my brother’s childhood/neighborhood friend passing away. And even in college and high school, there were students who passed whom I actually did know at some point, but never someone I truly knew and was close to at a point in my life.

This past Saturday I had to attend the death of a friend I had only seen last month, had shared secrets and made plentiful memories with during years of my high school. We shared endless hours of band practicing for our competitions, took (band) trips together, and of course spent time outside of school being silly high school girls together. This was a girl I hadn’t been close to since high school, but someone I once knew dearly. Someone I still randomly saw at music festivals and concerts. Someone I still expected to see at the next concert I attended or when one of our mutual friends had something big happen in their lives or something. This is a girl I still would call a friend.

I’ve had this conversation before, but I’m often told I don’t express my inner emotions (at least the negative ones) all that much. It provides myself the image of being fairly positive and mostly laid-back and unperturbed by most things. While I won’t say that isn’t true to who I am, I think people sometimes find it surprising how emotional I can get about things. As I’ve been told, usually I’m just so chill about everything. And I am, and then when I’m not, I’m really not in that moment. It could be a fleeting moment that passes quickly and wrecks havoc instantaneously, or it could linger on for a bit before, like everything else, time manages to let it wither away as well.

Emotions guide me a lot more than people realize — it just isn’t as often that I am set with such strong emotions that they overtake my other mental capacities. But they’ve happened before, both when I was younger and less capable of managing them, and even now when I’m older and things seem all the more serious. And I take those moments and learn from them. Sometimes they break me down but ultimately they make me stronger. That’s what it means to be alive, that’s what it means to survive.

Sometimes it feels like nothing is going the right way though. Life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Life gives you more lemons, no sugar, and throws them at you until your all bruised up. It gets tough sometimes. And time never seems to be on your side, like it takes too long to recover or the good times passed too quickly. Sometimes it feels like the hits just keep coming, and no matter what you try to do or how many times you’ve tried to fight it, it’s never what you hoped it would be and the pain… The pain hurts so much that all you can do is cry and try to not think about it.

It’s hard in those moments. Bad things will happen, and sometimes in continuous succession to one another. But in those moments, when it feels like the struggle is not worth fighting, when your heart and your head is tired and all you want to do is not feel anything, find someone. Find me. Find a friend or a family member. Find a professional or find even just a person on the phone. Find someone that can help you carry the burden. Because there is always someone there who will never walk away from helping you carry it if you need it. You are never alone.

Find anyone. No walk is too painful when you’re not walking alone. And two can create good memories, even when they’re surrounded by bad ones. Those moments of happiness, the positivity that you get, those will help you survive. I’ll walk with you in any moment of life if it means you can keep walking. I’ll walk with you even when you don’t need me to as well.

I couldn’t say anything at the funeral, because that would require somehow managing to not cry while actually looking at something besides the floor or ceiling, and even now I don’t know if I have the right words still. Funerals suck. Seeing someone you’ve known so dearly once in your life lay there in the best possible “natural” make up is the most surreal experience. I didn’t even have to see you closely to start to cry. Death may be inevitable, but it doesn’t make it easier to deal with. Especially when it comes unexpectedly. I can only hope that peace is found on whatever other side you believe in. And that those of us still struggling to survive look at one another and do better for each other.

I don’t have any recent pictures of us, but something from when we were closest probably is the most fitting, even if I had to take it from someone else. I miss you. I’m glad to have known you for the years I got. I hope your head and your heart has found peace, even if this was the cost. You lived on your own terms and in the end that rang even more true. Dear Winni, you are missed, you are loved, and you’ll always be one of the fiercest people I know. May you rest in peace.

MHS Warrior Band Asian girl crew

This post is dedicated to the friend I lost and all those struggling to survive. Please find someone to talk to if you ever feel you need help. You are not alone. You are not a burden.

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the internet and advice

Currently jammin’ to:

In some ways, I’m not quite sure what I want to say in this blog post, however I feel that I should still write something as I attempt to somewhat consistently write again in here. Quick apologies if this is lots of stream of consciousness and ramblings. My thoughts are not currently as focused or well-formed as I would hope them to be, but I will try on anyways!

Life snapchats

To highlight some new developments in life, I recently began working with autistic children again at a therapy place in Austin. The style is slightly different, with a more natural-play strategy to ABA as opposed to the DTT ABA style that I was used to at my previous ABA therapy office in Irving. Still, the rewards and changes are visible and the difficulty is still sometimes there. Additionally, this office requires its workers to be RBT (registered behavior technician) certified (a $600 test) and pays for you to complete it. So in addition to my work, my summer school, and my two labs, I am also working to become RBT certified at my own free time (but still slightly scheduled). Hooray for keeping busy! Let’s just hope I don’t overwork myself.

My 4th of July plans went a bit awry due to some unfortunate circumstances, so I ended up back in Dallas doing bits and sorts with various people as opposed to my highly nature-based plans that I originally had. Still, I got to see some old friends and hang out with some new ones, play a little volleyball, sing a little karaoke, and spend a bit of time with some family. All in all, a fun time.

Previous to the 4th of July weekend, I took a trip to Waco with some friends to the BSR Cable Water Park to go down a huge slide. Ultimately, we ended up looping the lazy river three times with most of our party getting trashed and only went down the slide (for me) once and not even The Royal Flush (or the bigger one) which is the “famous” one. I was fine with it considering how painful it was hitting the water after the slide and how long you had to wait for the steepest slide, but all-in-all a great trip with friends. After some food, we also got a tour of a cabbage factory/farm that a friend was growing. Despite the fact that it seems strange we were touring a cabbage farm/factory, it was, in fact, pretty interesting to learn about the cultivation that goes into it and its potential economical abilities. After some chilling, a long drive with a mini sleep break occurred + some Carl’s Junior. I can definitely say that I did not expect such a long day at Waco, but I definitely had a grand time.

Here’s a video of some of footage we got:

Outside of these events, life just happened. Some ups, some downs, some unexpected and some expected.

So punny

snapchat toast filter

snapchat toast filter :)

In lieu of my last headline, I made my featured picture one of my snapchat filter pictures. Apparently, this filter may be based off some video of cats having bread face pictures? I was only informed of this after I sent off my picture, but either way I find it hilarious. Within the last year, I’ve really enjoyed using the snapchat filters for its silly and randomness. It’s a little vain in some ways being so self-centered with multiple selfies, but mostly I just find it fun. A silly way of posing and sending off to friends/family. Maybe it’s my natural silly nature taking over, but I have quite enjoyed Snapchat filters and all its glories. I considered making a youtube video compiling some of my filtered photos (because why not be more vain, right?) just because I find them hilarious and think others might too. Who knows though, I’m not much of a YouTuber, so we’ll see if that ever happens.

On a somewhat related note, other thoughts of YouTube video making includes making review/rating videos for food/restaurants. As some of my friends like to consider me a foodie (I don’t call myself one, though I admit I like trying new food places when I can), it’s been recommended that I either 1) stream me eating food or 2) make videos reviewing places I’ve gone to with pictures of the food. While streaming videos of me eating seem a bit strange (despite the growing popularity in it), I did find some interest in video reviewing as I do like to try and review restaurants on Yelp if I find some time. I learn of new places from other people and check reviews to deem a place more or less worthy of attempting, so sharing my experience seems like “giving back” in a sense to the things that guide me to my decisions to food. Some more consideration to be given, especially since I have no idea how I would really get this together and I don’t know if I really eat out enough for this right now (at least to new places). We’ll see.

family love

I will never be able to express enough gratitude and appreciation to my family. I probably don’t even feel enough gratitude to them on a daily basis as I should, but when I do reach some sort of random aha moment of appreciation, I want to make note of it however I can. I have never considered my family super tight knit. My siblings and I generally live fairly independent of each other, and this was especially apparent when we were all still living under the same roof. We just did not always see each other or make much time to try. Perhaps that’s part of being young, exploring elsewhere, and perhaps its just the differences we have in our lives. My siblings and I are all four years or so apart from one another, so my eldest sibling is 8 years older than I and my second sibling is 4 years older than I. And while I do try to visit my parents and siblings every other weekend or so when I am available in town, I actually find this to be a more recent thing now that I’ve moved further from home again. Ultimately, despite sometimes lacking much involvement in each others lives, the one thing that constantly rings true is that we are always there for one another, whether just because we’re bored and looking for something to do, or if we truly need one another for something more serious. This is something I did not frequently make use of until recent years except outside of electronic or car issues (because that basically is all decision made through my brother). In recent years though, I’ve actually been able to really listen and receive advice from my siblings. They’ve provided me with comfort and safety of someone I can always rely upon. As I’ve gotten older, it seems harder to find this in others. Priorities, pride, and a bunch of other things just often get in the way of feeling like I’m truly able to rely on someone else. But with family, even though they may not always be my first choice, I have found time and time again that I can always rely upon them. And for that I am forever grateful. I doubt my siblings will read this post, but if by some chance they do, or my mother does and reiterates this part to them, I hope my siblings and parents both know I am forever grateful for the life I have been blessed with and for the bond I share with them. :) <3

the internet and advice

In recent times, I often google things that I want to find out about. I’m pretty sure a lot of people do this, since searching on the web often provides some credible sources that can shed light to problems we have without having to go through the tedious and possibly expensive process of finding a professional that could help us. Additionally, there are often memes or just picturesque images filled with sayings, advice, and quotes that often fill my Facebook stream.

Sometimes when I search or read these things, it helps bring me some peace or helps me reconfirm my own beliefs. There are times it brings better clarify to a subject I’m unfamiliar with, but ultimately when I search or read these things, I feel that I am just providing more verification to what I already decided. I think this goes back to some fundamental parts of myself, that I want to know others feel the same way that I do or experience the same troubles I am. I want to feel like I am not the only one. I want validation in my emotions or my thoughts, that it’s not whack or outrageous.Validation: something I wish I didn’t really need, but humanely I think we all seek validation from time to time. I want to know I’m not being irrational, that I’m not being too emotional driven or too crazy, that my thought process is natural or normal, that things like this often occur and aren’t signs of something much worse, or whatever it is that I want confirmation in. Validation, the feeling that you are not wrong. I don’t like to be wrong, because I always want to do right the best I can.

But ultimately, I really question how right or wrong things are. I realized at some point, that sometimes the advice I read that really resonated with me when I first read it, didn’t make as much sense later on. There were also times that I felt the words I read or advice or quote I read made absolute sense, a truth of some sort, but later felt like that wasn’t always quite the right case. It’s tough, am I finding advice that I want to hear, or ones that actually lead me down the right path? I do feel that I give myself a clear head when making important decisions so long as I’m not feeling highly emotional at the time. I don’t think most of the things or decisions I’ve made in life have been wrong, but I do feel that there are times I read advice and feel “wow, it’s so true! I do feel like this is the right path to take” and then possibly days later I question if that really is the right kind of idea to take. Ultimately, what changed wasn’t the words that were said or read, but how I felt about a situation or about life then. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe some times advice for one way is good in these circumstances or with this mindset, but not really the right path if you’re feeling a different way about it later. There is probably rarely only one “right” path, and circumstances will always cause different paths to be made.

In any case, I have some more thoughts on this idea but I feel that I am running in circles about it. So with that understanding, I end this post just to wish everyone the best of days. Hope you had a lovely weekend.

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Why blog and marriage?

You know, when I started this blog, I thought of what it would be for me. Was it a diary? Was it a reflection of my events that I could later look back at? Was it open space for me to creatively or not creatively regurgitate my thoughts out? Was it a ranting space? What did I want this blog to be? Because yes, I decided to make it public so that anyone, family, friends, strangers, whoever, could see and judge and take something, if they liked, away from it. And yet I am a very personal person. I struggle still daily to be more open to others. Recently I’ve learned that maybe being open and upfront about everything, what I’ve been trying to do to my friends and family when I have problems, isn’t always the best method. I had been very good at shying away my real feelings to others in the past, too good that I (and others) never felt I let others in. And so, I tried to change that about myself, so that I could be more emotional and truly connect to others. As of late, I’ve found that opening myself up too much can apparently also not be good either. Not just for me, but for the other person too. I guess I can’t give myself up too much either.

What poses my problem here is where that line gets defined again. This is public space, for anyone to read, and while obviously I want to be open to everyone, I still feel very vulnerable and very hesitant to openly express my fears or disturbances that occur in my life. I know life isn’t just full of happiness, you get some sadness and anger and everything with spice. That’s what makes it so great (and so annoying), isn’t it? And of course, when I look back (assuming my blog is more reflective, which is what I did intend it to be) I want to see the happy things, not the angry things or the sad things. But then, I feel this is not accurate. I didn’t live life as if nothing bad happened to me. I had tears, I had anger, and I had emotions that swelled in me beyond what I could ever write down into words. And I don’t want those to be discounted or left out, because those struggles are ultimately what led me here in the first place.

If this was just a private for me blog, this would be easy. A diary for just me to read. How perfect. I could insinuate ridiculous things and be open to myself in my own arguments with myself with little reason to fear what might come from it. Unfortunately, I wanted to include others. And not just others, but friends, family, people I actually know. It’s not the strangers that read my blog that make me hesitate and vulnerable, its the people I know who read it that make me question my openness. The people I care about, those who I will have to see and interact with later after they’ve made a new judgment on me based on what I wrote (whether good or bad). Who cares what someone I don’t know says, I have little to no care or concern for them. But my friends, my family? They matter to me. And to open myself to them so publicly without filtering for each individual… That’s scary.

Memory is a fickle thing, and we sometimes truly believe we remember correctly when we actually don’t. I hate to be wrong, which is why I try to always be correct in my account of things. Part of that is why I started a public/private blog, to account for myself not based on a distant memory I pulled up, but from close writings to when an event or things happened. I don’t know, or I should say I am still hesitant, that I will write about the negative things that occur to me on the spot, despite its therapeutic effects and potential accuracy for future me. Mostly because it could affect more than just me, and I don’t want to provide information about others that they themselves may not have been willing to share. At the same time, I guess it’s still just as rightly valid for me to share it since its my experience as well. Still, I will probably err to say only what belongs just to me.

What can I conclude from this? Well, I hoped writing it out would let me decide better, but I think it will just be a blog by blog basis. Sometimes I may be more personal and include more daily/current events in my life. Sometimes, I might just blog about random things. I guess we will just have to see and if things happen poorly or for the better, I’ll take it as it comes.

Here’s a personal story:

My mother’s family has all adopted texting on LINE. My 80 year old grandpa (and grandma) along with uncles, aunts, and cousins all group chat and keep each other updated, in a way, with one another’s life. I haven’t seen my grandparents in over a year now, but they are the figurehead picture for the group (for obvious reasons). When I look at that picture, and I look at the family and branching families they’ve created, it makes me realize what kind of family goals I want to have. As a granddaughter who comes from America and doesn’t speak the best Mandarin Chinese, I never felt the strictness my mother (and her siblings) felt from my grandfather/grandparents. To me, my grandfather was a very successful businessman, heavy chain smoker since he was young, and often rather silly with me. I realized, as I grew up, that he and my grandmother, who was a government official, obviously had their woes and fights (as they may even still do now), but yet despite their age and health, the pictures I see of them are amazing. Maybe it’s just picturesque to me, but their love seems to seep through their eyes.

When I see that kind of love, I want that kind of love. It may sometimes come as a surprise to some, or maybe not I don’t know, that if anyone were to ever ask what my dream is to be in the future, I would say something along the lines of successful in a career I love and married with kids. Successful in a career I love is a pretty vague answer, but married with kids is a relatively specific goal. For some these days, marriage sounds like an old tradition, one that isn’t upheld with much merit anymore. And logically, I can see where people say this. Divorce rates are much higher than they’ve ever been, and yes, you don’t have to be married to someone to want or plan to spend the rest of your life with them, you can just do it without the license. But maybe it’s the Disney fairy tales spun throughout my life talking, or maybe it’s just because I still value what marriage means (well, what I think marriage means): commitment, union and love. Despite its potentially unrealistic thought process for marriage, commitment is probably the most difficult thing about marriage (now a days). Love can be there even when you hurt someone, when you cheat on them or you find yourself trying to stay away from them. Commitment is a solid line. It’s boundaries are very clear (for the most). To commit to someone is to have only that one person, regardless. That line does not change (or at the least, rarely). Union, on the other hand, is a give and take that can be defined in many ways and may even change from time to time. Two people aren’t suppose to equal one, and yet marriage tries to unite two into one. I don’t think it’s wrong, after all two individuals who commit to one another must also sacrifice for each other, both parts of themselves along with other parts of their lives, but it is also a delicate balance to not sacrifice too much of yourself into the union. I think to be healthy, you still have to be part of yourself, but if you don’t sacrifice enough, then the union won’t work either. Sometimes you have to sacrifice more than you expected or wanted to, and then sometimes you don’t have to do as much. It changes, and it varies on the situation and the way things work and the person you’re with, but it’s always a choice to make and draw that line. Love, however, is not something you can exactly choose. Sometimes you love someone when you don’t want to, and sometimes you want to love someone but you don’t. The only choice in love is to let yourself let it happen on its own. You may have the choice to make more opportunity to love, but it will never guarantee the love. Likewise, you can sometimes reject all attempts at love too, but love can exist regardless of your choice or denial of it too. Love, however, I think is very important to a marriage. You can have union and commitment without love in a marriage, yes, but it is much more difficult. And what point is there to commitment and sacrifice/union without love? Sometimes it’s still good to keep a marriage despite lack of love, but to me those marriages are there not for the true sake of marriage, but for some other sake. Maybe for kids, maybe for financial reasons, who knows. A loveless marriage just doesn’t seem like much of a marriage, just a binding to someone that you do for the sake of maybe something better, or maybe something worse.

With each of these, I believe a marriage can work. Sacrifice and compromise must unionize two individuals in order to have love support their commitment in marriage. Writing it out, it sounds incredible anyone manages to find the right balance to them all. And yet, when I look at my grandparents interact with one another, and their beautiful pictures together, I believe. I hope. I dream.

love sakura japan

Grandparents in Japan, 2016.

I started this out with one train of thought in mind, and ultimately it became a slightly different train of thought. It was suppose to be a little more personal, but in the end it became a little less. If it reads weird or flows strange, that’s why. My bad, but then again I’m pretty sure all of my blog posts are kind of one train of thought jumping to another and another. Either way, hope this finds you well. Have a nice day!

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